Kevin Stefanski’s introduction to Atlanta is more lulls than LOLs

Let’s imagine you’re a Falcons fan who is on the fence about the team. (This is not an exercise that requires much in the way of imagination.)

You’re not sure about the new coach. Yes, Kevin Stefanski was named NFL coach of the year twice in six seasons with the Cleveland Browns. Very impressive. But he was also 8-26 in his last two seasons, which most of the time doesn’t put your resume on the top of the pile.

You’d like to hear from him about that. Thankfully, your local sports columnist asks Stefanski at his introductory news conference (alongside new president of football Matt Ryan) what he could say to assure fans that he’s capable of doing better.

And this is what you hear (or, preferably, read) him say:

“I would tell you, I’ve learned from all of my seasons in this game of football, if you will. Something I’ve told Matt, there’s a quote I love where, ‘Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.’

“And I think it’s something that’s important, as all of us understand, some of those tough moments are going to make us better.”

He went on, and we’ll get to it in a second, but one aside: After 60 years of trying to navigate rough seas, the Falcons should be the British Royal Navy by now.

But, anyway, Stefanski then said he was excited about what the Falcons will do in 2026 and gave the most soundbite-y part of his answer: “I know this — you’re going to get the best version of me as we get going here.”

Finally, he vowed that he will grow every day as a coach, he will have a staff that will push him and that “we’re going to put our heads down, and we’re going to work.”

It was a fine answer, just not one that would give a waffling Falcons fan much insight.

There may be only so many things that a coach whose career record is 45-56 can say, one of them not being “I win. Google me.”

At his media session Tuesday at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Stefanski came across as likable, earnest and excited to be in Atlanta, but he did not delve into specifics.

The most eyebrow-raising moment was his revelation that offensive coordinator Tommy Rees, whose NFL play-calling experience can be measured in hours, will handle that duty with the Falcons.

Stefanski said more than once that he is a better coach from his time in Cleveland, but didn’t say how. He was asked what makes him believe that he is the right person to end the Falcons’ eight-year postseason drought, and his answer was that “I’m here because I believe in this group, I believe in this roster, I believe, as I mentioned, in what (team owner) Arthur (Blank) and Matt have put together already.”

Asked to pat himself on the back, Stefanski declined. It is not for nothing that he was described by renowned Cleveland columnist Terry Pluto as “politely bland.”

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter. What he said Tuesday won’t matter at all starting Sept. 13 — most likely the date of the Falcons’ season opener — and probably sooner than that.

If Stefanski is vanilla to the media but wins consistently, he will reap more honor from a desperate fan base than he’ll know what to do with.

“What? Your middle name is Stefanski? Mine, too!”

Perhaps he saw there was no gain from saying much about his last two seasons in Cleveland, when the effects of the disastrous trade for quarterback Deshaun Watson came home to roost.

Maybe we’re to read Stefanski’s line about sailing as meaning “Winning eight games in those two seasons in Cleveland was like winning 20 games with a franchise that doesn’t double for a trash barge.” Or, “Maybe you noticed that it took less time for the Roman Empire to fall than it took for them to find a new coach.” Or, “After what I learned there, you should start calling me Magellan.”

What actually was affirming: Ryan saying that he valued the background work done on Stefanski more than he did the actual interviews. (One hopes that Tampa Bay quarterback Baker Mayfield, who had a strained relationship with Stefanski in Cleveland, was among those queried.)

Done right, it’s information that is way more credible than anything that can be learned in a job interview, where the candidate’s whole purpose is to convince the employer that he or she should be hired. It’s a forum made for hiding warts.