For many, talking about feelings is like trying to communicate in a foreign language. You know how you feel inside, but expressing it to someone important in your life may feel intimidating.
Most people worry that they won’t say the right thing or that their feelings will be misunderstood. There’s also the fear of rejection, especially when sharing what’s in your heart with someone you care about. Even in long-term relationships, it’s easy to get tongue-tied when trying to express what you truly feel.
Many times in couples therapy, someone will tell me how they feel about their partner, and I will look at them and say, “Say it to each other, not to me,” and ask them to hold hands and look into each other’s eyes when they speak from their hearts. That alone can make things flow more easily (after you get past the initial squirminess).
Expressing your emotions in a proper way is an important tool in so many aspects of life, especially in relationships. By not sharing what is going on for you with the people who matter most, you’re holding back yourself and your joy.
Developing this skill doesn’t require couples therapy, though it may be easier to express your true feelings when you are with someone you don’t know all that well. This is because when you are expressing yourself with a neutral third party, your chances of being judged are minimized, and you have an ally in creating some tools for your self-growth.
I encourage you to do the best you can to talk one-on-one with the person you care about most. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Create an environment that makes it easy for your partner to hear you. Dedicate at least an hour or two to the conversation, and say how you truly feel.
With patience on both sides, it could be the most meaningful conversation you’ve ever had. When two people really listen to each other, the validation runs deep and your connection grows simply by doing what comes naturally. Sharing your secrets and fears is a great gift because you no longer have to carry that internal baggage all by yourself.
No one knows what the future holds, so it’s best to keep the conversation in the here and now as much as possible. As long as you and your partner are talking, you have the ability to make changes and to strengthen your bond. So, who wants to go first?
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.