Reaching out, moving on: Why old friendships don’t always return

I have often recommended reconnecting with old friends when feeling in need of more love and energy in your life. My thinking is that if you spent a decade or longer in a friendship, regardless of what happened, you should be able to rekindle it at some level — even if just via Facebook. A great idea, but what do you do if the other person turns you down?

My ex BFF from 20 years ago does not want to renew our friendship. I introduced him to his wife. I was there in the hospital when he had a heart attack, helping both of them. I also helped save his mother’s life once. Later on, we fell out of friendship over money. Lending to friends is a risky business at best. I took that risk and ended up losing my best friend.

He eventually moved out of state, and I went on with my work. Occasionally, he would pop up here or there on the internet. I tried sending a couple of messages but was rebuffed. He has the right to feel however he feels. No matter. We both have had full lives, and I still believe that life would be better if we were friends again.

When a friendship goes south, there isn’t much you can do about it. You really can’t force anyone to be your friend. They have to want that — and something or someone can get in the way of friendship: money, jealousy or other people, to name just a few.

When a friendship is over, you have to respect the other person’s feelings and move on, as hurtful as that might be.

You might continue to have mutual friends who have to navigate a tricky road between you. The thought may even cross your mind that getting together with your former friend in a social setting could help this situation. If you live nearby, and being friends is really important to you, you could suggest going to a counselor together. It’s an option, if you can make it happen. But most of the time, and this is true for any relationship, when someone wants to leave, you have to let them go.

What I have learned is, no matter how close you have been in the past, someone can be offended to the point where they no longer wish to be around you. Not something you usually think of in the moment when you vent your anger or do something else you may live to regret. I have also learned that people are more important than money, and had I really looked at this from that angle and thought it through, I would have approached things differently from the start.