Give yourself time to heal after a breakup
When relationships end, we mourn the loss with denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and finally acceptance.
These are the same five stages of grief made famous by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who I was fortunate to have as a mentor. She was the forerunner of studies about death and transition — and she saw that people with terminal illnesses, as well as their loved ones, experience these emotions.
Similarly, we grieve the ending of any close relationship.
Initially, you may feel good about “getting out,” but if your relationship was a long-term connection, you may find that the initial joy is quickly replaced by missing the person you were with and the life you shared.
You may feel like your life and everything you built together is gone or worthless because there is no one to share it with any longer. What you are feeling is the withdrawal of your loved one’s energy from your heart and psyche. And that is one of the most painful things on earth.
A vacancy has been created in your heart, and you may have a strong desire to fill it. That being said, you need to take some time before getting involved again. Rebound relationships fire up fast and end just as quickly. Now is when you should be with the people who love you the most. Stick with those who will rally to support you and help you get through this difficult time.
If you are going through a divorce or any legal action, it would be wise to seek therapy. The pain associated with divorce can last for years, but you can nip it in the bud with the right emotional support. If you seek counseling, make sure you choose a licensed professional therapist who has experience in this area. You need someone who understands the nature of this kind of emotional turmoil.
It’s also important to remember that relationships end for a reason. Maybe the person who left you really wasn’t right for you, and could have ended up hurting you more in the years ahead. When you take some quiet time to reflect on it, you will see that things weren’t going in the direction you would have wanted.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that there is a deeper meaning to what has happened to you, but understanding this can make it easier for you to heal.
Reading can also be helpful, and there are a million books on this subject. One of my favorites is by Peter McWilliams, titled “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.” You can also ask friends to suggest books that have assisted them in difficult times, or go to a bookstore and see what catches your eye. Reading will give you new ideas and energy.
We have all been through breakups, but that doesn’t make them any easier. Allow yourself to grieve and let the pain out. You may be surprised at the happiness that comes to replace it.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person & video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
