Finding grace on the other side of divorce

I was 18 years old when my parents filed for divorce.

Even though I was an adult at the time, there were six years between the official end of my parents’ marriage and the day I found out something was terribly wrong with their relationship.

I refer to it as the last day of my childhood. It was the day I realized the fairy tale marriage I had built in my young mind did not exist.

Between the ages of 12 and 18, my brother and I were witnesses to the slow, painful corrosion of a relationship no longer sustainable. And that gap — those six long years — brought incredible emotional turmoil and deconstruction to all involved. It was a painful road, rendering scars that far outweighed the damage the divorce certificate ever did.

Anyone affected by divorce can testify to its devastating aftermath. Whether you are a child of divorce, the spouse who initiated the process or the one who fought with every last bit of their strength to sustain a failing marriage.

For believers, the issue brings about an added layer of pain and isolation — as many are plagued by the idea that they have failed God.

One of the most recent guests on my podcast, “God-Sized Stories,” was New York Times bestselling author and Proverbs 31 Ministries president Lysa TerKeurst. I have followed TerKeurst’s career for many years, and featured her on my podcast and in this column several times before.

TerKeurst has been transparent about her struggles throughout the process of separation, reconciliation and, finally, divorce from her first husband. During that time, she chronicled her struggles and the strength and guidance she received from God and her counselors in books that quickly hit the New York Times bestselling list.

The success of her latest books, such as “I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t” and “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget,” reflects the hunger for godly counsel when intimate relationships end in separation.

For nearly 30 years, TerKeurst fought for her marriage — and wrestled deeply with the idea of becoming a divorced woman. When it became clear after years of emotional abuse and betrayal that she was fighting alone, she remembers writing in her journal: “What does it even look like to be a Christian woman headed toward divorce?”

TerKeurst penned down a question that undoubtedly plagues many Christian women facing the same reality. And her new book, “Surviving an Unwanted Divorce: A Biblical, Practical Guide to Letting Go While Holding Yourself Together,” offers to answer this and many other questions from a theological and psychological standpoint.

Co-written with her own therapist, Jim Cress, alongside the director of theological research at Proverbs 31 Ministries, Joel Muddamalle, “Surviving an Unwanted Divorce” draws on TerKeurst’s own experience and struggles in the wake of divorce.

The authors candidly answer questions that plague believers — such as “Does God hate divorce?”, “Does divorce disqualify me spiritually?” and other faith-based concerns — with fresh theological clarity and scripture-founded compassion.

Filled with hopeful guidance and clarity concerning age-old biblical misconceptions, her co-authors provide contributions rooted in rich theological research, exegetical analysis and insights into emotional trauma, spiritual abuse, forgiveness and grief.

As I told TerKeurst during our conversation, this book reads as the missing piece of her contribution to women facing the end of their love story. We discussed the biblical context of divorce, including the interpretation of key verses and the cultural significance of the certificate of divorce in ancient times. We also talked about the importance of differentiating between difficult and destructive marriages and the importance of protecting individuals in abusive relationships. It’s a conversation filled with eye-opening clarity, about a book that is sure to help women find peace and guidance during one of life’s most complex trials.

For anyone whose love story ended in heartbreak, TerKeurst’s book reminds us that God’s unfailing grace is the ink that pens a new chapter — one where he makes stronger vessels out of broken clay, using our brokenness for our good and his glory.

Watch Patricia’s interview with Lysa on any podcast or her YouTube channel: “God-Sized Stories with Patricia Holbrook”.