This one thing may leave you feeling more fulfilled in relationships
“I always go the extra mile for others, why don’t they realize I also need help?” Does this phrase sound familiar? Do you often find yourself showing up, pitching in, or otherwise saving the day for others but rarely feel like the favor is returned?
Here’s a question I’d like you to ponder: When was the last time you actually asked for help?
If you are someone who is the problem solver in your circle or the “responsible one” others can depend on, it may seem logical that, of course, people will show up in your time of need. There are several reasons that may not be the case, however, and several reasons why it may be difficult for you to ask in the first place.
If you’re a helper, you might do a really good job of masking the fact you actually need help. It’s not uncommon for helpers to view being of service to others as something admirable yet the act of needing help as a personal failure or shortcoming; not for others, only for themselves. This often leads helpers to perform competence, even if internally they are falling apart.
The idea that needing help is a personal failure can develop from several places. For some, there is a cultural conditioning that you must be all things to all people, otherwise you are seen as weak. For others, needing help has been weaponized against them. Perhaps they shared a need with someone who made them feel bad for having it or mocked them, thereby leaving them feeling as if having needs is a bad idea.
No matter how this behavior comes to be, not asking for help is a threat to our mental health and ultimately to our relationships. When we don’t ask for help and attempt to work through crises and stressful situations on our own, it can increase cortisol levels, leading to things like chronic stress and elevated blood pressure. Additionally, a pervasive sense of loneliness can develop, as we feel like others are not aware of our struggles, leaving us feeling isolated and invisible.
Perhaps the largest impact, though, is the sense of resentment that often develops as a result of not asking for assistance. Helpers often desperately desire others to read their minds and volunteer the help they need; when this does not happen, relationships begin to feel like a burden and can become strained.
If you recognize this pattern as something happening in your own life, how do you untangle yourself from it? Here are a few things to consider.
- Explore where this story started for you. What’s your earliest memory of either asking for help and it not being given or of receiving the message that asking for help indicated a weakness? Sometimes if we can trace a thing back to its origin, it unlocks a pathway to healing.
- Are there small things you can ask for to get more comfortable with the practice? Perhaps asking a friend to borrow $5 or asking someone to help you retrieve something off a higher shelf. The goal here is practice. Don’t start this process by asking your neighbor to babysit your kids for a long weekend. Start with smaller asks that are more likely to yield favorable results for you.
- Consider whether you are asking the right people. Sometimes our difficulty asking for help is because we are asking the wrong people. There are thousands of reasons why someone may not be able to offer the assistance you’re looking for, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong for asking. Maybe this person genuinely could not help at this time, or perhaps past experiences would indicate this person isn’t actually reliable and likely would not be able to meet this need. Regardless, an unfavorable response is not an indictment on the ask. It is simply an invitation to explore whether there are others who might be better suited to help with this particular situation.
- Get more comfortable with rejection. One reason we struggle with asking for help is because we are afraid of being rejected in some way. We worry an unfavorable response confirms the thing we fear most: “I was too much,” “I didn’t deserve help.” Just reading that stings a little, doesn’t it? It’s OK to acknowledge when something hurts and also to acknowledge the pain doesn’t mean we aren’t moving in the right direction. I can’t promise you the sting of rejection will disappear, but the more you practice, the less intense the sting becomes.
- Explore how much of your worth has become tied to your identity as a helper. Sometimes, we get so good at being the one everybody needs that it becomes a central part of our identity. And although there isn’t anything inherently wrong with being helpful, this can present an issue when we begin to believe our only value lies in what we can do and provide for others. A question for your journal: Who are you in your circle if you are not offering help?
It’s OK to be proud of being a dependable friend. It feels good to be able to be there for the people you love. I bet they would love to be there for you, too.
This column is designed to be educational and informational only and should not be interpreted as medical advice. It is not a substitute for seeking the support of a licensed mental health or medical professional.
Did something from this column lead you to thinking about things differently or trying something new? I’d love to hear about it. Or if there’s something you’re trying to work through in your life that you could use some feedback about, let me know. Share it with me at drjoy@ajc.com.
About the Author
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford is a Licensed Psychologist, host of the wildly popular mental health podcast, Therapy for Black Girls, and the author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing In Community.
