Quilted Northern’s new toilet paper: better than a Sears catalog

A more memorable bathroom experience?

Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific, maker of Quilted Northern toilet paper, wants to offer a more substantial brand, and so is introducing “Quilted Northern Rustic Weave,” with the motto: “craft you feel in every square.”

“Authentic,” says the tongue-in-cheek video. “Bespoke. Raw. Artisanally-crafted toilet paper. Hand-pulped. And hand-perforated. The way toilet paper used to be.”

Rustic Weave will roll out on Georgia Pacific’s Facebook page Friday (which is, ahem, April Fools day) and in other social media, offering a stimulating alternative to the bland experience at the American commode. “It’s genuinely tree-to-toilet,” says the announcer.

The Onion-worthy kicker to the video tells us Rustic Weave is “also available in Small Batch, Cedar Loom, and Extra Virgin Birch.”

No word yet on whether they plan a Long Leaf Pine variety.

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