I ranked all 32 NFL teams based on subjective criteria that make sense in my head. Please use the following format for your complaints: “How can you rank (Team X) below/above (Team Y). You are (biased/stupid/a hater/all of the above)."
1. Patriots (3-0)
Result: Won 51-17 vs. Jaguars. Next: Sun. at Cowboys.
Yeah it was just the Jags but it’s rare for NFL teams to deliver a beat down like that. Pats also have handed Bills and Steelers their only losses.
2. Cardinals (3-0)
Result: Won 47-7 vs. 49ers. Next: Sun. vs. Rams.
The Cardinals are No. 1 in points scored and tied for No. 3 in points allowed. They are already two games ahead of the rest of the NFC West.
3. Packers (3-0)
Result: Won 38-28 vs. Chiefs. Next: Sun. at 49ers.
They look unbeatable again at Lambeau Field: 11 straight wins, with 30 or more points scored eight times and 35 TD passes with no picks for Aaron Rodgers. No NFC contender wants to go to Green Bay in the playoffs.
4. Falcons (3-0)
Result: Won 39-28 at Cowboys. Next: Sun. vs. Texans.
The fourth-quarter comebacks may not be sustainable over the long term. But the Matt Ryan-Julio Jones connection seemingly can keep going forever.
5. Broncos (3-0)
Result: Won 24-12 at Lions. Next: Sun. vs. Vikings.
They don’t have much of a run game and beat the Chiefs two weeks ago on an unlikely fumble return. But Peyton Manning is starting to look like himself and the defense is stingy.
6. Bengals (3-0)
Result: Won 28-24 at Ravens. Next: Sun. vs Chiefs.
The masses won’t believe in the Bengals until they finally win a playoff game. But can’t deny they are very talented.
7. Bills (2-1)
Result: Won 41-14 at Dolphins. Next: Sun. vs. Giants.
Manhandled the Dolphins on the road with LeSean McCoy and Sammy Watkins hobbled and somehow winning with Tyrod Taylor at QB. The defense is legit.
8. Panthers (3-0)
Result: Won 27-22 vs. Saints. Next: Sun. at Buccaneers.
It hasn’t been pretty but 3-0 is 3-0. Defensive end Charles Johnson went down with a hamstring injury against the Saints and the next day the Panthers traded for Bears pass rusher Jared Allen.
9. Steelers (2-1)
Result: Won 12-6 at Rams. Next: Thurs. vs. Ravens.
Michael Vick is the starter at QB with Ben Roethlisberger on the shelf for a month or so. The defense is good enough to keep Steelers afloat.
10. Cowboys (2-1)
Result: Lost 39-28 vs. Falcons. Next: Sun. at Saints.
Surprisingly the defense, not backup QB Brandon Weeden, was the major problem against the Falcons. The Saints won’t pose as much of a challenge.
11. Raiders (2-1)
Result: Won 27-20 at Browns. Next: Sun. at Bears.
The defense isn’t great but looked better against the Browns. QB Derek Carr and WR Amari Cooper seem to be developing chemistry.
12. Vikings (2-1)
Result: Won 31-14 vs. Chargers. Next: Sun. at Broncos.
It looked like 2013 again for Adrian Peterson against the Chargers. QB Teddy Bridgewater didn’t have to make many plays and threw a bad interception; he’ll have to be better at Denver.
13. Jets (2-1)
Result: Lost 24-17 vs. Eagles. Next: Sun. at Dolphins
Jets WR Brandon Marshall set up an Eagles TD with a fumbled lateral that he later called “boneheaded” and “probably (the) worst play in NFL history.” No one disagreed.
14. Colts (1-2)
Result: Won 35-33 at Titans. Next: Sun. vs Jaguars.
Surviving that wild shootout in Nashville doesn’t mask all of their issues. But the reshuffled offensive line was a bit better and the Colts did score three touchdowns in the fourth quarter.
15. Chargers (1-2)
Result: Lost 31-14 at Vikings. Next: Sun. vs. Browns.
QB Philip Rivers is turning the ball over a lot behind a shaky offensive line, they can’t run the ball and everyone is running against the defense. This is a recipe to finish behind the Raiders in the AFC West.
16. Texans (1-2)
Result: Won 19-9 vs. Buccaneers. Next: Sun. at Falcons.
The Texans were helped out by the Bucs missing three field goal tries. They got their run game going, though.
17. Seahawks (1-2)
Result: Won 26-0 vs. Bears. Next: Mon. vs. Lions.
The Bears Bye Week gave them some breathing room. The return of Kam Chancellor following a holdout is a huge boost but Marshawn Lynch’s sore hamstring isn’t a good sign.
18. Giants (1-2)
Result: Won 32-21 vs. Redskins. Next: Sun. at Bills.
The Giants finally closed out a victory. Now they are looking to get several injured regulars back, including wide receiver Victor Cruz.
19. Eagles (1-2)
Result: Won 24-17 at Jets. Next: Sun. at Redskins.
Beating the Jets temporarily took some heat off of coach Chip Kelly’s offseason roster overhaul. Ryan Matthews got the running game going and there’s a chance to gain some momentum when DeMarco Murray returns from injury.
20. Titans (1-2)
Result: Lost 35-33 vs. Colts. Next: Sun. vs. Bills.
They blew a 13-point lead against the Colts, regained it, and then gave it right back. Rookie QB Marcus Mariota had two costly picks but he’s showing some promise.
21. Rams (1-2)
Result: Lost 12-6 to Steelers. Next: Sun. at Cardinals.
The Rams are playing good defense but it doesn’t matter when they manage just 16 points and 23 first downs over the past two games. It would help if they could run the ball.
22. Chiefs (1-2)
Result: Lost 38-28 at Packers. Next: Sun. at Bengals.
They had nothing for three quarters against the Packers. Winning at Lambeau Field was a lot to ask but the Chiefs weren’t going to do it with QB Alex Smith dinking and dunking.
23. Buccaneers (1-2)
Result: Lost 19-9 at Texans. Next: Sun vs. Panthers.
QB Jameis Winston was all over the place with his accuracy against Houston and showed his familiar fearlessness/recklessness late in the game. The defense has been better since getting drubbed by the Titans in the opener.
24. Redskins (1-2)
Result: Lost 32-21 at Giants. Next: Sun. vs. Eagles.
The Redskins had their chances against the Giants but self-destructed with penalties and turnovers. QB Kirk Cousins hasn’t been the answer.
25. Browns (1-2)
Result: Lost 27-20 vs. Raiders. Next: Sun. at Chargers.
Browns coach Mike Pettine went with Josh McCown at QB against the Raiders and fans chanted for Johnny Manziel. Might as well play the first-round pick because this team is going nowhere.
26. Dolphins (1-2)
Result: Lost 41-14 vs. Bills. Next: Sun. vs. Jets.
Coach Joe Philbin says it’s “no time to panic” after his team followed up a loss at Jags by falling behind 27-0 to Bills. Panic seems appropriate after Blake Bortles and Tyrod Taylor carve up your high-priced defense.
27. Ravens (0-3)
Result: Lost 28-24 vs. Bengals. Next: Thurs. at Steelers.
They’ve lost all three games late and QB Joe Flacco says it’s because they don’t believe they can win. Now they have to hear about how only five 0-3 teams have made the playoffs as they get ready for a tough game at Pittsburgh.
28. Lions (0-3)
Result: Lost 24-12 vs. Broncos. Next: Mon. at Seahawks.
The Lions are in danger of going 0-5 with the Seahawks on Monday and then the Cardinals at home. The defense showed signs of life but there’s no running game and QB Matthew Stafford isn’t connecting deep.
29. Saints (0-3)
Results: Lost 27-22 at Panthers. Next: Sun. vs. Cowboys.
They actually didn't play that bad on the road without Drew Brees. But the bottom line is they blew a 10-0 lead with defensive misfires and then couldn't complete a rally because of offensive blunders.
30. Jaguars (1-2)
Result: Lost 51-17 to Patriots. Next: Sun. at Colts.
The Jags didn’t force the Patriots to punt and gave up the most points in franchise history. The perpetual rebuilding continues.
31. 49ers (1-2)
Result: Lost 47-7 to Cardinals. Next: Sun. vs. Packers.
The 49ers have been outscored 90-25 in their past two games. Expect that margin to balloon even more once the Packers are done with them.
32. Bears (0-3)
Result: Lost 26-0 at Seahawks. Next: Sun. vs. Raiders.
It seems no one in Chicago likes QB Jay Cutler but they should at least acknowledge that he’s a better option than Jimmy Clausen. Cutler is expected to miss at least another week with a hamstring injury so this could get even uglier.
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