How to survive the marathon that is golf
June was, according to the Golf Channel, Pace of Play Month. You may have missed it while being stuck behind the foursome that was scouring the woods and high grass for each lost ball like it was a Faberge egg.
It should not take longer to play a round of golf than it does to get quadruple bypass surgery. Yet there you were again last weekend, squandering what little was left of your life waiting on Chief Justice Roberts up ahead of you to render a decision and pull a club.
The Royal & Ancient declares that the target time for a round of golf for a foursome should be around three hours, 50 minutes. So, let’s pick it up, Slo-Mo.
The USGA recently launched a clever little ad campaign spinning off Rodney Dangerfield’s crack in “Caddyshack” — “Let’s go, while we’re young!” — as Judge Smails was on the tee, waggling more than a Vegas showgirl.
As you can tell, many of golf’s august bodies have seized upon slow play as being more than a nuisance. It is, in fact, what passes for a burning issue in this sport. After all, doctors can’t spend all day on the course. They have important meetings with their brokers to get to.
If everyone would just be a little mindful of their time on the course, what a better game it would be all around. You might even shave a few strokes off your score if you can get into any kind of decent rhythm out there. Starts and stops are for intown driving, not driving on a reachable par-5.
In the spirit of Pace of Play Month, if just a little late, here are a few helpful observations.
You know you’re playing too slow when:
- A full phase of the moon passes while you're trying to decide the distance to the pin. Look, it's not like you can actually dial up a shot that will travel exactly as far as you intend, Mr. Laser Rangefinder. It's golf, not a moon launch.
- You have turned the green into the Oprah set. Take your putts, mark down a reasonable facsimile of your score and get off. Save the chatter and the soul searching for the 19th hole.
- You are still playing a hole long after you have gone over triple bogey. It is OK to admit defeat, pick up and limp to the next hole.
- You are spending so much time at the beer cart that the club is considering offering you short shorts, a tight top and a job driving the thing.
- You are taking mulligans like a new parent takes photos.
So, c’mon. While we’re young (or at least still vertical).
About the Author
Steve Hummer writes sports features and columns for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He covers a wide range of sports and topics.
