If Dwight Howard wants to come back to Orlando, can the rest of us leave?
Southwest Airlines. Amtrak. Greyhound bus. How far can we get on SunRail?
But please, run like the wind and throw away any scattered ashes of the D12 era before packing up.
We are done here. Don't care if Dwight wants to come back. Don't care if the Orlando Magic are irrelevant in the basketball universe. Don't care if he will "put us on the map" again.
Here's what else he will do:
Break everybody's hearts again. Crush 'em. Stomp on 'em.
And then absolve himself from any accountability. "Who? Me? What?" he will say as he adjusts the halo on his head.
Dwight Howard is the most self-absorbed and least introspective athlete I've ever seen. I can say this as someone who has covered more than one rodeo, or at least every major sport you can think of in the last three decades.
He thinks he's the bomb, but that's not good for the rest of us.
Like any relationship with someone who is cray-cray, it blows up. We dabbled in this romance before, remember? The carnage includes backstabbing, lies, a great coach getting canned, and a franchise now in disarray and with little hope of getting things straight without pingpong-ball luck or a free-agency splash.
The Magic stink. They will undoubtedly get better with Dwight in the lineup. Very likely become a playoff team again. Give people reason to go to Amway Center again for things other than free t-shirt launches and the occasional Stephen Curry or LeBron James sighting.
But eventually, it will all go horribly wrong, just like it did the first time.
Nobody has time for that.
Your therapist may tell you that time heals all wounds. But I suggest that your therapist could never break through the cluttered mind of Dwight's self-absorbed universe.
He once told former Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide that Dwight was an icon, just like Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and Nelson Mandela. After I retold the story in a recent column, Dwight denied it. Of course he would.
His latest misstep with reality involves his use of Stickum.
"I've been using it for the last five years," Howard said after he was busted in a game against the Atlanta Hawks. "It hasn't been a problem. I don't know why people are making a big deal out of it. I do it every game. It's not a big deal. I ain't even trippin'."
No big deal, even though it's illegal in the NBA.
This is the kind of nonsense that Dwight brings with him everywhere he goes. He is oblivious to everything. No accountability. Clueless.
The guy who calls himself Superman brings kryptonite on every NBA tour stop.
In Orlando, he couldn't co-exist with the coach, Stan Van Gundy. In Los Angeles, things got snippy with his alpha dog sidekick, Kobe Bryant. In Houston, he can't find even footing with James Harden.
If he comes back to Orlando, maybe this time his issues will be with Stuff the mascot. But most likely it will be with coach Scott Skiles, a man who suffers no fools. He once went after Shaquille O'Neal during their playing days in Orlando. No doubt that Skiles would eventually tussle with Dwight if the reunion tour comes to fruition.
Most of us have dealt with a crazy ex. Breakups happen for a reason. Makeups happen because the sane person in the relationship has a moment of misguided weakness.
Stay strong, Orlando! Just say no to the cray-cray! And no trippin' please!
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