How to break the ice and overcome shyness, according to psychologists

“It’s not a negative personality trait,” he said. “It’s not a character flaw. It’s not a disease. It’s simply a description of the individual. How they respond — how they behave."

For many, the sense of self could be old news by the time they’re out the door for work. Coffee cup in one hand and car keys in the other, they’re off to take on the day’s challenges. Those of us who are shy, however, face more-or-less constant self-observation.

“We say, think about being in front of a mirror,” Carducci said. “When you look in front of a mirror — I don’t care who you are — most people don’t say, ‘Oh my God, how beautiful I am.’ The first thing they do when they look into a mirror is they primp. They focus on the hair. They adjust their tie and collar. They focus on their faults because a mirror makes you self-conscious, and if you’re self-conscious, you focus on your negative characteristics. So we say, think about shy people as having a mirror held in front of them all day long, particularly in social situations.”

Embracing your shyness is the first step to a better date life. The next stop? Empowerment.

Keeping your power

Psychology Today’s Attraction Doctor, Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., is a doctor of social and personality psychology and has some quick tips for shy people when it comes to breaking the ice.

According to the expert, initiating conversation — particularly for the purpose of asking someone on a date — can build up a lot of anxiety because you are opening yourself up to be evaluated by the other person. It’s a vulnerable moment.

To avoid that sensation, Nicholson suggests approaching conversations in a way that allows you to keep your power.

“Rather than ‘putting yourself out there,’ get the other person to invest a little first,” he wrote in Psychology Today. “Ask them to do something for you. Make a request. This could even be something small like, ‘Could you grab me a straw?’ Or, ‘Could you watch my stuff for a minute while I get a coffee?’ Any small request will do the trick.”

Nicholson called it the Ben Franklin effect — a phenomenon where a person likes someone more after they’ve helped them in some small way.

So the ice has been broken. With any luck, numbers have been exchanged and eventually a date set. But what can someone who is shy do once the date starts?

Calm those nerves. There’s hope yet.

Once you’re on the date

Don’t open with a wow-worthy one-liner. Instead, open with a question.

“Most approaches go wrong because the person is trying to impress,” he said. “They are trying to ‘earn’ the other individual’s interest, attraction or affection. Essentially, they are opening themselves up to ‘being judged’ … rather than evaluating, qualifying or screening the other person.

“So, rather than letting them evaluate you, begin by evaluating them instead! Ask them a question. Be curious. Suspend your attraction to them and make them jump through a hoop or two to prove themselves to you. Ask them something that will qualify them as a partner and see whether they pass.”

If you do want to open with a statement, don’t make it cheesy. Simply make an observation.

In a coffee shop? Comment on the quality of the coffee. Outside? It’s wonderful weather we’re having. Cheesy openers might get a laugh, but simple observations are better invitations for further conversation.

“If the other person is at all interested, he or she will continue the conversation,” Nicholson explained. “If they are not interested and say nothing, then you have not risked anything. You have simply made a statement.”

Manhattan Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s Amoha Bajaj-Mahajan, Ph.D., isn’t just a psychologist; she’s an anxiety expert. According to the pro, there are some quick hacks shy people can use to their advantage once the date has begun.

“Shift your focus to the other person,” she wrote on the clinic’s website. “Often, shyness and discomfort increase when our focus is on ourselves — our own thoughts, insecurities, appearance. Shifting your focus to your date and the conversation can help you feel more present and engaged.”

Secondly, she advised ditching any mind reading. Bajaj-Mahajan explained that trying to anticipate what a person is thinking on a date can be distracting and is also usually inaccurate. There’s no need to guess what they’re thinking.

“Practice an easy manner with some sense of humor,” she wrote, breaking down her final tip. “Dating while feeling shy can feel intimidating and demanding! Try to break the tension (with yourself) by smiling, walking leisurely, sitting laid-back and comfortably and cracking a joke or two.”