When venting about your partner can backfire

Talking about your troubles to a trusted friend can feel like the right thing to do. But when it comes to relationship problems, confiding in your BFF isn’t always as harmless as it seems.

Imagine this: You’re having issues with your partner, and you turn to a friend you’ve known for years. You’ve always supported each other through stressful times, so who better to listen, offer advice and help you sort through your feelings?

The problem is, there’s another side to the story. When we’re hurt or angry, it’s easy to tell the story from our own perspective, leaving out details or minimizing our partner’s point of view. And once your friend hears your version, they may see your partner — and your relationship — differently.

That’s when confiding can backfire.

As you bash your partner, the friend listening to you may unconsciously develop resentment toward the person who hurt you. After all, your friend cares about you and wants to protect you.

Now, let’s fast-forward a few weeks. The fight with your mate has blown over. You’ve worked things out, you’re feeling close again and the rancor has disappeared. Things are going great.

Then you meet your friend for lunch. You haven’t seen each other since the big fight, so, naturally, the conversation turns to your relationship. Your friend may be expecting you to be in the same place, upset and angry about your partner’s behavior, but you’re no longer there.

Suddenly, you and your friend aren’t quite connecting the way you normally do. Why? Your friend wasn’t there for the healing and reconnecting that took place. They heard about the conflict, but they didn’t experience the resolution.