Wait three days or text back immediately? Such are the agonizing pitfalls of modern dating.
It’s a fast paced world out there these days, leaving little room for error when it comes to courting a potential love interest. Being aloof and mysterious in just the right way can increase your desirability. But if you go about it wrong, you’ll cross the line from getting a new “bae” to going home alone.
According to Reichman University professor of psychology and columnist Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., there’s a certain sweet spot that can improve your flirting without making your crush feel like you’re playing games. The trick? It comes down to a concept related to inexpensive, Swedish furniture.
“The key to playing hard to get effectively is conveying that you are in high demand but still within reach,” she wrote in Psychology Today. “This approach encourages potential partners to think about you more, perceive you as worth pursuing, and invest effort in winning you over.”
Birnbaum calls it the IKEA effect, a potentially winning strategy for flirting your way to a new relationship.
“If you put effort into assembling a piece of furniture — a table, for example — then you come to appreciate that table more than one you bought pre-made," she explained. “What works with furniture works on the dating scene. When a potential partner invests effort, time and thought into winning you over, their perceived value of the connection with you increases. They become more invested.”
However, there are some important distinctions to make when it comes to the influence of the IKEA effect.
According to a 2020 study out of Johns Hopkins University and the University of Kansas on the attachment styles of men and women, it’s heterosexual men that are most likely to pursue someone playing hard-to-get.
That’s not to say no one who identifies differently can also benefit. Birnbaum — an expert researcher on sexuality — advised anyone interested in trying the tactic to not think of it as playing games. The goal is not the manipulate, she wrote, rather to demonstrate value.
Instead, focus on showing restraint. Express your interest in the person in subtle ways without giving away your entire life story from the jump. You want to establish yourself as a book worth reading, while convincing your crush there are plenty of pages left for them to discover.
“This means a reciprocal and synchronized opening up is more desirable than an uncontrolled emotional outpouring,” Birnbaum explained. “It’s the difference between a thoughtful, delayed text that shows you have a busy life but are making time for someone who sparks your interest and a three-day silence that screams disinterest.”
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