“Describe, in order, what you believe are the phases of a typical romantic relationship.”
This was the mandate researchers gave 259 U.S. college students for a recently published study on dating.
To nail down changing attitudes around dating, researchers gathered answers from students in 2012 and again in 2022. From there, they compared and contrasted the data to come up with their four stages of modern dating.
Psychologist and psycho-educational writer Mark Travers, Ph.D., penned his thoughts on the study in a recent Forbes article, breaking down the big takeaways for today’s dating scene.
It all starts with flirting
Known as the “Flirtationship,” this first stage of dating is all about discovery. Participants often described this stage as the first moments of attraction or suddenly realizing they shared common interests with the potential partner. It’s not always a straight shot to romance, however.
“Sometimes people don’t automatically start dating,” one participant explained. “Many are friends first before they start becoming romantically involved — sometimes friendship first.”
According to Travers, the key roles communication and observation play during this phase haven’t changed much, despite the rise of dating apps.
“Despite the countless ways technology has changed how we meet and interact, the essence of this first stage hasn’t budged,” he wrote in Forbes. “This is likely because the need to assess compatibility is foundational to how we form relationships of any kind.
“Before we attach, we observe. We pay attention to the small cues and send out a few of our own. This process isn’t new, and no swipe-based interface or algorithm can bypass it entirely.”
Exploration
Titled “Relationship Potential,” stage two of budding relationships often included going on dates or spending significant amounts of time together. This was the phase when friends were beginning to see each other as potential partners and consequently testing the waters together.
“Things get a bit more serious, you want to get a bit more romantic and go out on dates,” as one participant described it. “This could be one to two dates every few weeks with a few lunch dates in between.”
A phase of knowledge gathering, the participants described wanting to learn more about their potential partners to see if they would be a good fit for a romantic relationship.
Going exclusive
During stage three — “In a Relationship” — partners took big steps in defining their relationships, often by committing to being exclusive with each other.
According to Travers, not much has changed about this stage over the years.
“Even as social norms around relationships have grown more flexible, this stage has remained consistent,” he wrote. “Polyamory, casual dating and relationship anarchy are more visible and more widely discussed than they were a decade ago. Yet, the majority of participants still pointed to exclusivity as a defining marker.”
This was also a phase of many firsts. For some couples, it meant sex. For others, it was emotional intimacy. One participant described it as “falling in love.”
An interesting discovery from the study, according to the researchers, was that this phase was the first time many partners started mentioning possible engagements or cohabitations — especially the latter.
“Such findings are supported by national data showing that marriage continues to be postponed among young adults with an average age of about 30 for first marriages (U.S. Census Bureau 2023),” according to the study. “Cohabitation rates, however, have increased over the last decade (Gurrentz 2018). Our findings seem to indicate that more college students are incorporating cohabitation into their perceptions of normative relationship progression than they did a decade prior. It is also possible that this discrepancy may reflect a movement away from marriage as the ‘typical’ outcome for relationships.”
All or nothing
Stage four — “Commitment or Bust” — is a big one. During this stage, participants described being at a crossroads, often between marriage and breakup. Different versions of relationship conflicts and obstacles were commonplace during this phase, as partners began finalizing their visions of the relationship’s future.
“You’ll both think about your future together and if it means being in each other’s [life] or not,” a participant said, according to the study. “Either the relationship will go long-term until further commitment such as marriage, or it ends with a breakup along with heartbreak.”
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