We are nearing the end of another successful financial season here at Weekend Predictions, where you’ll never see our investment advice discounted on a Black Friday or Grayish Thursday or even a clumsily disguised Cobb County Commission Blood Red Tax Tuesday because we’re too damn awesome — 125-26-1 straight up, 88-59-5 against the line, 3-1 when we did research, I think, maybe not — and we don’t need to come up with disingenuous blather like this gem from the hologram, John Schuerholz, who said Braves-Cobb talks weren’t conducted in “secret” but rather were “confidential” and there’s a big “difference.” Wait. What? Somebody get me my English-Corporate Weasel/Corporate Weasel-English dictionary.
Anyway … don’t just sit there! Get up! Play-doh is 10 percent off for another seven minutes at the Conyers Walmart! Go! Now! Run like a Falcon … used to!
I’ve read a lot of Black Friday stories. This one might be my favorite. A woman in Los Angeles allegedly pepper-sprayed nearly two dozen other shoppers in a Walmart in 2011 because she was trying to gain an edge while seeking a video game at half-off. And no, before you ask, she doesn’t play left tackle. Prosecutors actually decided not to file felony charges against the woman for reasons unknown and at one point they actually referred to her as a “competitive shopper.” Please excuse me now while I go burn my California birth certificate.
Meanwhile, back here on earth: Unranked Georgia plays unranked Georgia Tech for unranked bragging rights. Call it Black Saturday. Mark Richt is 11-1 in this game. Paul Johnson is 1-4. If Richt wins, Georgia fans will love him for a week. If Johnson wins, Tech fans will love him for a year.
Here’s my issue: While Georgia players are saying all of the right things, I’m just not sure this game is that big of a deal to them. And Aaron Murray is out of the game. And Georgia hasn’t stopped anybody on defense all season, unless you count Kentucky, which they don’t even in Kentucky.
Where’s that limb? Here I crawl. Give me the 3 1/2 points, but I’m going Tech in a straight upset.
ROAD TRIP
Doesn't Matter at Georgia State: The Panthers scored on a 70-yard trick play in the final minutes at Arkansas State before missing a two-point conversion. And that would've tied the game! Hey, that's almost a winning streak. Kinda. Sorta. OK, let's end this. South Alabama in the library with the candlestick. Panthers lose (but take the 9 for spunk).
Clemson at South Carolina: It's Dabo Swinney vs. Steve Spurrier. Or as we like to say in the investment business: Wildebeest vs. Headlights. Gamecocks win, but take Clemson and 5.
Florida State at Florida: Will Muschamp used to be a big deal. Now he's losing to Georgia Southern. Remember that scene in "Spinal Tap" when the band shows up and they're listed below "puppet show" on the amusement-park marquee? But there was good news for Will: Ron Zook invited him over for Thanksgiving. Noles win, but take Gators and 27 1/2.
Alabama at Auburn: Terry Saban told the Wall Street Journal that her husband is not going to take the Texas job. But she also said Alabama fans are spoiled and there's a "lack of appreciation" in Tuscaloosa. The woman could teach a class on how to be an agent. Tide rolls and covers 10 1/2.
Texas A&M at Missouri: Spurrier hopes for a Mizzou tumble. But A&M is 0-3 against ranked teams, and Johnny Manziel last week (16 for 41) looked like he's ready to move on to a paying job (officially, this time). Columbia, here's final supper before the SEC sacrifice. Tigers win and cover 4 1/2, advance to a loss against Alabama.
Tennessee at Kentucky: These two are a combined 1-13 in the SEC. Tennessee and Kentucky used to play their rivalry game for a wooden beer barrel trophy. Now, the losing coach just wears a paper bag. Vols cover 4.
Virginia Tech at Virginia: Georgia Tech's long-shot chances of winning the ACC Coastal depend partly on the Cavaliers winning this game — and I believe also Liechtenstein becoming a world power. Hokies win and cover 13.
NFL SNACK PACK
Falcons vs. Bills: As the disgruntled pet-shop customer from Monty Python would say, these Falcons have ceased to be. They've lost games in five states. With this game in Toronto, now they can lose one in a Canadian province. A franchise record! Hey, any chance Sudbury will build a stadium? Buffalo covers 3 1/2.
Giants at Redskins: Mike Shanahan hasn't won a playoff game since beating the Falcons in the Super Bowl. Of course, it helped in 1998 that he had John Elway, Terrell Davis and a general manager who also wasn't named Mike Shanahan. Giants cover 1.
Saints at Seahawks: Seattle has had seven different players suspended for performance-enhancing or slug-engendering drugs since last year, although Richard Sherman's suspension for Adderall was overturned because, I think, it turns out he's just crazy. In college days, Pete Carroll just stashed the running back's family in a rent-free house, so you could say he's transitioned to the pros nicely. Seattle covers 6.
Broncos at Chiefs: Kansas City was 9-0 before the bye week, 0-2 after. This happened to me as a kid when I was getting ready to kiss Farrah Fawcett and then mom woke me up for school. Denver wins but take K.C. and 4.
Bucs at Panthers: So I'm looking for the guy who said Cam Newton won't make it in the NFL because of his "fake smile." That smile looks pretty genuine right now. Carolina covers 8 1/2.
SCORECARD
Last week: 13-1-1 straight up, 9-4-2 against the line
So far, so awesome: 125-26-1 straight up, 88-59-5 against the line
Average customer profits: $24,496.34
Lilly's pooch pick: The mutt is sinking down the stretch and is down to 7-6 with her picks. She may be a salary-cap cut after the season. But first, it's Dogs vs. Jackets. Pieces of cheese were stuck on pictures of Richt and Johnson. Lilly pondered, then picked. She went for the Dogs again. (Warning: Species loyalty isn't always wise.)
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