JEFF SCHULTZ’S WEEKEND PREDICTIONS

Welcome back to Weekend Predictions, where we were just forced to issue statements to Sports Illustrated and Yahooee! Sports denying that we ever took illegal second helpings at press-box buffets or accepted cash payments, cars, test answers, socks, a hotel pen (OK, three hotel pens) and possibly a little goochy-goochy from hostesses with the mostesses from the nation’s top journalism schools during recruiting because, alas, nothing was offered to me.

In case you missed it, the world is ending. There’s a five-part series in SI that paints Oklahoma State as the center of depravity and debauchery from 1999-2011. I don’t know if this is true or not, but for the record if I were going to plan an empire built on depravity and debauchery it would not be in Stillwater, Okla. I’ve been to Stillwater. Even the cows have that, “Can you believe this place?” look in their eyes.

Meanwhile, Yahoo reported five former SEC players received improper benefits. I know what you’re thinking: Only five? You didn’t look hard enough.

One of those players was Alabama offensive tackle D.J. Fluker. He reportedly took money from former Crimson Tide player Luther Davis, who apparently makes a better living as an agent runner than he did as an SEC defensive end (he must not have been any good). This story is ill-timed for Nick Saban. His eyes spit fire, and he uses the dark side of the Force to make press rooms combust when he’s asked a question he doesn’t like, which is pretty much anything but: “Sir. Would you be ever so kind as to inform us of how your wonderful scholarly young men are doing on this fine day.” (Questions also should be asked while looking down. Also, no short jokes.)

The predictable happened Wednesday: After three questions about the Fluker story and not Alabama’s next game, Saban popped a spring, spewed with sarcasm, “Appreciate your interest in the game,” walked out of the room and then blew up Alderaan. (Princess Leia: “Not Alderaan! We’re peaceful and we have no weapons! Like Kentucky!”)

Saban doesn’t like distractions. Hey, he should talk to Kevin Sumlin. The Texas A&M coach has dealt with the clown show that is Johnny Manziel for months. Manziel was suspended for a half in A&M’s first game. He won’t be that fortunate this week. Saban and Bammy have circled this game since the Aggies’ upset win in Tuscaloosa last season. By the time they leave College Station, it’s going to look like … well, College Station. Or Stillwater. Or Alderaan.

Please. Just don’t hurt the autograph hand.

Tide covers 7 1/2.

FABER COLLEGE

GaTech at Duke: Tech and Duke have combined to outscore three opponents 143-14. That sounds a lot better than saying they've beaten Elon, N.C. Central and Memphis. But we'll find out something about Tech because this is the first of four consecutive ACC games. We don't need four weeks for Duke. Jackets cover 8 1/2.

GaState at West Virginia: State's transaction report this week: Two offensive linemen quit, and the running backs coach was "reassigned," presumably to a position several furlongs from the football office. Everybody who is left gets to have their arms ripped off by West Virginia. The administration scheduled games against West Virginia and Alabama, selling players' body parts for $1.25 million. Could've gotten more. The average human's parts are worth about $600,000, according to Discovery.com, and that doesn't even include blood, skin, bone marrow or meal stipend. Now, multiple that times 70 players. Well, 68. West Virginia covers 39.

Vanderbilt at South Carolina: Steve Spurrier apparently has more control over publishers (he got The State newspaper to pull a sports columnist off covering his team and to hire his hand-selected Fan Boy as a blogger) than he does his own coaching staff (feuding assistants had to be separated on the sideline of the Georgia game). Oh, the complicated life of a petulant bully. Nonetheless: Poultry covers 13 1/2.

Mississippi State at Auburn: Dan Mullen liked it better when people were talking about him for other jobs. Auburn covers 6.

Boston College at USC: Lane Kiffin heard chants of "Fire Kiffin" in the final minutes of a 10-7 loss to Washington State. Still better than what they chanted in Knoxville. Best moment this week: Kiffin denying that a players-only meeting took place after the loss and receiver Marqise Lee responding, "Kiffin don't know." Oops. Trojans cover 14.

Tennessee at Oregon: Five of the Volunteers' next six opponents: Oregon, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Alabama. At least they can tour Eugene, where Animal House was filmed. They could use Blutarsky's "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" speech about now. Ducks cover 27 1/2.

NFL SIX PACK

(drank one)

Rams at Falcons: The Falcons’ offensive line couldn’t block the Saints’ backups last week, so how are they going to block the Rams’ fairly awesome front four? Don’t know. I think this pick is based mostly on, “They can’t possibly drop to 0-2, can they?” Birds cover 7.

Saints at Bucs: Quarterback Josh Freeman missed the Bucs’ annual team photo last week. If he starts missing games, Tampa Bay has a chance for real improvement. Saints cover 3 1/2.

Redskins at Packers: Washington’s defense goes from being boat-raced by Chip Kelly’s Planet X offense to playing Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. Mike Shanahan maintains Dr. James Andrews has medically cleared Robert Griffin III to play safety. Green Bay covers 7 1/2.

Lions at Cardinals: Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for trying to take out a player at the knees. No worries. He’ll recoup financial losses by knocking over a few Girl Scout cookie stands. Detroit covers 1.

49ers at Seahawks: I know a lot of folks consider Seattle the best team in the NFC, and maybe the NFL, but I still see Pete Carroll and think, “Really?” Take the 3 and the 49ers in a road upset.