As another successful financial season winds down, and by successful I’m not including the one or two or possibly 47 picks that I was slightly less than perfect on, though in reality I wasn’t serious and they were thrown out there for entertainment purposes-only, like a knock-knock joke, or a presidential candidate, or when John Hart or John Coppolella are asked whether they would ever trade a star player and they feign shock and disdain, SHOCK AND DISDAIN, I SAY, that you ever would suggest such a thing, and what’s the Liberty Media stock price today, and I swear the first Braves official who says in spring training, “We’re here to compete for a championship!” gets a pie in the face,” and …
(Inhale, exhale….)
Where was I?
Oh yes. Fantasyland. It’s near the end for Weekend Predictions and the week before Rivalry Week. That means many programs have scheduled opponents from Fisher-Price. Auburn plays Idaho. Florida State plays Chattanooga. Florida plays Florida Atlantic. Alabama plays Charleston Southern. Clemson plays Wake Forest.
Oh wait. Wake Forest is in a major conference.
Georgia faces Georgia Southern. Coach Mark Richt warned the masses, “They are not a good football team. They are a great football team!”
I’m wondering if any opposing coach has made the same declaration about Georgia this season.
This is when big tough coaches from Power Five conferences tell us these cupcake opponents are sneaky awesome and they’re just providing “opportunities” for FCS and Sun Belt schools, as if FSU-Chattanooga is part of a jobs program.
By the time Nick Saban finished his weekly rant, “This week, we play Godzilla. Chapter 11,” he had everybody convinced Charleston Southern was about to conquer eastern Europe.
“You all don’t remember the Georgia Southern game, do you? They ran through our (expletive) like (expletive) through a tin horn, and we couldn’t stop them!”
A tin horn?
Thanks. I’ll pass on the Alabama halftime show.
Non-power-conference administrators love these games. I’m not sure how much the players do. Georgia Southern was guaranteed $1.7 million to be offered as sacrifices twice this season for games against West Virginia and Georgia. The officials cashing the checks will be in the comfort of a luxury box munching on finger sandwiches and shrimp cocktails Saturday. The players will be on the field, losing bicuspids and their sense of direction.
Any chance the Georgia Southern school president or athletic director can be forced to take a snap?
The Dogs are favored by 13 1/2. The line dropped from 16. So much for wins over Kentucky and Auburn converting critics. I’m with the wise guys on this. Dogs win, but give me the Eagles and 13 1/2.
Grading on a curve
Tech at Miami: How far has Miami fallen? It's an underdog at home to a team that has lost seven of its past eight and is 1-6 in the ACC. If that doesn't get the Hurricanes cheating again, nothing will. Meanwhile, why is Charlie Strong's name on the pass list? Jackets cover 2.
Tennessee at Missouri: Missouri athletic director Mack Rhodes said this week: "I really believe you can win a national championship at the University of Missouri." Everybody is still waiting for the punchline. Vols cover 8.
LSU at Mississippi: Somebody reported that Les Miles is coaching for his job. Makes sense. I mean, how many other coaches in the past eight years have been to the national championship game twice, won a national title and two SEC titles since 2007, beat Alabama five times, and then got fired? Take the Tigers and 4 and in an upset.
Sacrificial Lambs at Florida State: Jimbo Fisher said playing FCS opponents such as UT-Chattanooga-Choo-Choo provides "an opportunity for those schools to have equal opportunity. …" It's a complete coincidence that Florida State is providing this opportunity a week before the Florida game. Seminoles cover 30 1/2.
Charleston Southern at Alabama: CSU lists former Tulsa Talons arena-league quarterback Darren Swiggett on its short list of notable alumni. So take that. Bammy covers 38 1/2.
Wake Forest at Clemson: So when does Wake Forest start demanding appearance fees like Sun Belt teams? Clemson covers 29.
Kennesaw State at Presbyterian: I'm not sure Kennesaw State has enough Spackle and duct tape left for another win. But it's a long-standing policy of mine never to pick a team called the Blue Hose. (Back off, I'm a professional.) Take KSU and 5 and in a straight upset.
Pros and ex-cons
Colts at Falcons: Andrew Luck is out, and the Falcons are decided favorites, and that hasn't happened since the past two games, both of which they lost. It's not time to jump ship on the Falcons. But if you have time in the next day or two, you might want to take a stroll on the main deck to check out where the paddle boats are. Falcons cover 6.
Cowboys at Dolphins: Dallas has lost seven consecutive. Clearly, the feeder system from Leavenworth and San Quentin has dried out. Dolphins win a pick 'em.
Broncos at Bears: Peyton Manning last week: 5-for-20, 4 interceptions, 0.0 passer rating, benched. Nationwide released a statement this week: "We've switched sides." Bears cover 1.
D.C. at Panthers: A Tennessee mom wrote a letter to Cam Newton admonishing him for his touchdown dance against her beloved Titans, which she framed him as a "spoiled brat" fueled by "egotism, arrogance and poor sportsmanship." And then she left for her weekly book burning. Carolina covers 7.
Rams at Ravens: St. Louis coach Jeff Fisher reportedly went on an epic rant at halftime last week in hopes of firing up his team, which trailed Chicago by two touchdowns. The Rams lost 37-13. Time for a new speech. Take the two, but Rams win in a straight upset.
Packers at Vikings: Green Bay has lost three straight. Note to Aaron Rodgers: If Olivia Munn wanted to date a losing quarterback, she could go to Jacksonville. Packers win, take the 1.
Accountability scoreboard
Last week: 7-5 straight up, 7-5 against the line.
Bottom line: 98-47 straight up; 71-72-2 against the line.
Lilly's Pick: The mutt fell to 7-4 with the Auburn pick last week. This time, the choice was salami'd pictures of Freddie the Falcon and Blue (Colts mascot). Lilly went right. To Blue.
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