How to put effort into online dating and avoid ‘talking phase’ turnoffs
There’s an important period in a relationship that’s often overlooked in online dating: the point between finding an interesting profile and actually meeting in person.
While there is certainly an art to crafting an interesting opening message — although anything more exciting than “Hey” or “How’s it going?” will often suffice — keeping the conversation going can often be a challenge.
Recently on Reddit, the online forum where people can anonymously chat about pretty much anything, someone posed a great question: What kills your attraction in the ‘talking phase’?
Some of the responses were:
- “Not talking enough. The entire point of a date is to get to know each other, which is pretty hard if I may as well be talking to a brick wall.”
- “When they’re incapable of making full conversations. People who constantly ask ‘hru/wyd’ again and again make me lose interest VERY fast.” (Text speak be gone!)
- “Not asking me questions. It shows me they’re not genuinely interested in getting to know me. I ask questions. I like it when it’s more conversational.”
- “If I’m putting in more effort than the person to keep the conversation going. Especially if I always have to initiate or say, ‘Hi’ first.”
- “Mind games. What I loved about my husband is he didn’t care how much he texted or called, just because he enjoyed talking to me and wasn’t afraid to show it.”
These are five different answers that make different points but come to very similar conclusions. It’s all about putting effort into the conversation. No effort often equals no date, and I see this time and time again.
While online dating, it’s expected that you may be talking to multiple people at once, getting to know each other and seeing if meeting for a date is in the cards. However, the same conversation won’t work for each of the people you’re talking to. You have to give each person special attention, asking information based on each profile or pictures that show you paid attention... and you’re not confusing this person with another potential match.
I understand that this may feel like a lot of work, and it is! But meeting someone who might be important in your life should take work. There are no shortcuts.
The other consistent feeling is that no one wants to carry the whole conversation on their own. Make sure you’re starting the conversation at least half of the time, showing that the chat is not one-sided and you’re interested in actually getting to know the other person better. No matter who you are, everyone loves to see a text or email come in from someone they’re interested in — and not worry about if they have been ghosted.
Some other turnoffs listed on the Reddit thread included “being boring or being negative” and talking poorly about an ex — both completely understandable objections. After all, if someone you are just getting to know can’t be excited to get to know you, how can you ever build a meaningful relationship? The lesson here is simple: stay positive.
Another person replied that a turnoff was “taking way too long to actually meet after weeks of texting/calls.” You can only get to know a person so much without physically being together, so why wait? If you’re excited about messaging someone, don’t wait too long before asking them out on a date. If you live far or have particularly busy schedules, then a video call will suffice.
Ultimately, just remember the basics: be interested, stay positive, and don’t go into a deep dive (or even a shallow one) on your ex.
