Gridlock Guy: ‘Road Dog’ shares travel rules
Despite my hatred of traffic, I actually love to drive. Long drives, short drives, road trips, you name it and odds are I’m ready to jump behind the wheel. If you are looking for a great road dog, I’m your man. I can be your designated driver, your airport dropoff/pickup guy, or even your lets-go-to-the-Waffle-House-at-3-a.m. chauffeur.
That being said, when I am driving you in my car, there are certain rules that you need to follow. Overall, I’m a low-key, low-maintenance person, but when it comes to my car there are certain do’s and dont’s that everyone needs to adhere to, whether you are my wife or Captain Herb Emory.
- Don't honk my horn. Ever. This is a big one for me. When a car's horn is honked, it is assumed that the person behind the wheel did the honking. I don't want to be held responsible for your ill-timed honk. Hands off my horn.
- 2. Don't litter. When I was in college I was driving around with my friend Stumpy. We had stopped at Burger King and were headed home. For some reason he decided to throw his soda cup out the window when he was finished with his beverage. I police officer saw this and pulled us over. Even though the officer saw that Stumpy chucked the cup, he wrote me the ticket because I am responsible for what comes out of my car.
- You choose what's on the radio, but I control the volume. Fine, we can listen to whatever you want to on the radio. You are after all, a "guest" in my car and I try to treat my guests well. Just understand, I dictate the volume level.
- Don't eat (peanut butter) in my car. I have no problem with you eating and/or drinking in my car. As long as there is no peanut butter in what you are eating. I got violently ill in the third grade after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and ever since I can't stand the smell of peanut butter. I gag. Other than that, eat what you want.
- Don't touch the rear view mirror. You can check your lipstick and you can check for bats in the cave using the vanity mirror on your overhead visor. There is no need to use the rear view mirror for grooming purposes. Which leads us to…
- The overhead visor is for blocking the sun. If there is no sun, put it up. If the sun is in your eyes, by all means use the visor to shield the sun. But, after the sun is no longer a factor, please put the visor up. When it is down it creates an extreme blind spot for the driver. Safety first.
- Always wear your seat belt. This goes without saying. If I am driving you around, odds are that I like you enough that I don't want you to die if we get in a crash. Don't make me live the rest of my life guilt-ridden because you died because you weren't wearing your seat belt.
- The cup holders are there for a reason. Use them. Seriously. Don't put that Venti, skinny, no-foam, chai, soy, latte between your legs. Use the cup holder.
- If you are too hot or too cold, tell me. I'll adjust the heater and A/C. This is my car. I've been with it a long time. We've spent a lot of time together. I know exactly what and what no to do to get the perfect temperature. Just tell me if you need the temperature changed and I'll handle it.
- My glove compartment is off-limits.
I consider my glove compartment like my nightstand next to my bed. There’s no reason you should be pecking around in there. I’m very sensitive about my vast collection of fast-food condiments.
