4 friendship truths that can preserve your mental health

I’ll be honest with you, all of the hype that you’ve been reading and hearing about the importance of developing and sustaining friendships is true.

Having a solid support system is one of the single best things we can do to boost our mental health. Friendships help us manage stress, they provide a mirror that allows us to see ourselves more honestly and fully and they create very necessary opportunities for joy and fun.

But with this hype has also come some unrealistic expectations and standards that may be making it more difficult for you to actually do the work of building these relationships.

In an effort to release some of the pressure you may be experiencing, whether conscious or subconscious, I’d like to offer a few truths about friendship that might just make the whole process a little easier.

1. Having a few good friends can be more meaningful than having tons.

I know the color-coordinated photo shoots of friend groups in beautiful locales are alluring. It’s very tempting to think that this is what all friendships should look like, but not necessarily.

Large friendship groups can be a really cool experience, but can also pose challenges in terms of the depths of intimacy that can be cultivated with each person. Research suggests that most people only have the capacity to maintain about five truly meaningful friendships, so if you are someone who has one or two close friends, you’re not doing anything wrong. Science suggests that you’re actually right on track.

2. A friendship ending doesn’t have to mean that anyone did anything wrong, nor does it have to be dramatic.

In movies, friendships end with a big blowup after there has been a significant betrayal by one party. In real life, friendships tend to end more like a candle that gradually reaches the end of its wick.

At first, there may be fewer calls and responses to text messages and eventually you look up and realize it’s been two years since you last talked. While sometimes friendships end because of things like a betrayal, far more often they end because of things like shifts in schedules, differences in life stations or realized incompatibilities.

When we enter romantic relationships, many of us go into them recognizing that at some point the relationship may end. Friendships don’t tend to begin with this same type of orientation, which is why it is often so destabilizing when they end.

If a friendship you thought would last forever has ended, it’s OK to take the time you need to grieve it. It hurts because it was important. It’s also worth remembering that no one has to be the villain.

3. A rupture in a friendship doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is irreparable.

Being able to work through conflicts can often result in an even stronger bond. We tend to think that the first sign of conflict in a relationship means that it’s headed toward its end. But ruptures in friendships aren’t just normal, they can be transformative.

When you’re able to traverse the terrain of having a difficult conversation, maybe sharing some truths that are hard to hear and come out successful on the other side, relationships tend to reach a new level of intimacy. This typically happens because navigating the conflict proves that the relationship is resilient and can withstand the realities of the human experience.

We don’t always agree, sometimes we get it wrong and we can still be in it together. Navigating conflict in a friendship also allows you to meet new parts of one another that adds additional depth.

4. Making new friends isn’t something that has to stop at a certain point in your life.

I’ve known two of my best friends for over 25 years. If I had let the idea that I already had all the friends I needed be my governing reality, I would have never been open to meeting my newest best friend a little over five years ago.