Hello. I’m back. This special return appearance of “Weekend Predictions” is brought to you by the U.S. Congress, which in 2013 registered an average approval rating of 14 percent — just ahead of Tony Romo — and was voted the least productive Congress since, like, ever, according to a CNN poll of rich/poor, black/white, Democrats/Republicans, fat/skinny, short/tall, John Boehner/lucid and even the schlub in Alabama who scrambled to give Nick Saban a near-$2 million raise after he got his hiney handed to him by Gus Malzahn.
There will be no AJC contest for a college football bowl pick ’em this year. Public-funding ventures for baseball and football stadiums drained every available resource for prizes. So nobody could fork up the dough for a trip, a tablet, a gift card, a T-shirt, a box of Ding Dongs or a bumper sticker reading, “Honk If You Were Pantsed By Cobb County.”
Let’s begin with the biggest bowl of all: The Thank Heavens It’s The Last BCS Title Game between Auburn and Florida State.
Florida State is 13-0. Its quarterback won the Heisman Trophy. Auburn is 12-1. It lost its second conference game by 14 points, but later in the season began ripping off chicken heads and drinking unicorn blood. (How many national finalists have five wins down the stretch despite allowing 41, 23, 38, 28 and 42 points?)
The SEC has won seven consecutive national titles. Florida State plays in the ACC, which … hasn’t. But something you may not remember: The Seminoles played in the first three BCS title games (won one, lost two).
I don’t know how many rabbits can fit in one hat, but I’m guessing Auburn’s is finally empty. FSU has won 13 games by an average — an average — of 42.3 points. Enough for me: Noles end SEC’s reign with a win and a cover (8 1/2).
LOCAL FARE
Gator: Georgia vs. Nebraska (Wednesday). It's Aaron Murray, Inc. He signed autographs and posed for pictures at $35 a pop (a charity fundraiser) and will host his first football camp for kids in February ($100 each). He's sort of like Johnny Manziel, except with, you know, a conscience. Dogs cover 9.
Music City: Tech vs. Old Ms. (Monday). I understand Mississippi is not the Valhalla of college coaching jobs, but did Hugh Freeze really deserve a 50 percent raise (to $3 million) after going 3-5 in the SEC for the second consecutive season? Must be a low bar. Jackets win (and take the gift 3).
SIDES (IN ORDER OF LOVEABILITY)
Sugar: Oklahoma vs. Alabama (Thursday). If Saban is forced to make another field-goal decision, I like Oklahoma. He got a longer, fatter contract after blowing the Auburn game. Imagine how much he would be making if the Tide had actually won? Tide covers 15.
Orange: Clemson vs. Ohio State (Friday). Tajh Boyd said he was "pretty much a lock" to sign with Ohio State out of high school until being swayed late by Clemson. Just something to make Urban Meyer's chin drop another foot. Tigers win (take the 2 1/2).
Rose: Stanford vs. Michigan State (Wednesday). There are two people you want to be right now: 1) Stanford coach David Shaw; 2) His agent. Cardinal covers 5 1/2.
Cotton: Oklahoma State vs. Missouri (Jan. 3). The impressive list of swag being given to players includes an Apple TV and an iPad mini. It's sort of like the old days of the Southwest Conference in Texas, only legal. Mizzou covers 1.
Alamo: Oregon vs. Texas (Monday). Maybe the Texas Board of Regents can present Mack Brown with a set of steak knives at halftime. Oh wait. They're already sticking in his back. Take the 13 and a crazy upset: Horns over Quacks. (OK, betting with my heart.)
Cap One: South Carolina vs. Wisconsin (Wednesday). It's the final college game for Jadeveon Clowney. Every time he makes a tackle, take a shot. (Sobriety guaranteed.) Roosters win (take the 1 1/2).
Fiesta: Central Florida vs. Baylor (Wednesday). Central Florida defensive coordinator Jim Fleming just left for the Rhode Island job. Perfect timing. Baylor leads the nation in scoring offense (53.3 points per assault). And you thought George O'Leary was miserable before. Bears covers 16 1/2.
Chicken Strips: Texas A&M vs. Duke: (Tuesday). Some scout told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel that Johnny Manziel reminds him of Joe Montana. I'm not sure if he said that before or after he fell off the bar stool. Aggies win, but take Duke and 12.
END OF THE LINE (for 20 teams)
Panthers at Falcons: If you hold a mirror up to Carolina's record (11-4), you will see the Falcons' record. (That reflection reversal thing.) Actual factual: The Panthers have allowed 221 points, the Falcons 422. Just Kevorkian this season already. Panthers win, but take Falcons and 6 1/2.
Packers at Bears: The composite record of the first three teams in the NFC West (Seahawks, Niners, Cards) is 33-12. In the NFC North (Bears, Packers, Lions): 22-22-1. And everybody dresses up like moose hunters. But look out: Aaron Rodgers is back. Packers win.
Bucs at Saints: Did you know if New Orleans loses and Arizona beats San Francisco, the Saints would actually miss the playoffs? Wouldn't that be an after-Christmas present for Falcons' fans? Grinch alert: Saints win and cover 12 1/2.
Eagles at Cowboys: Michael Vick makes it back to the playoffs. Well, kind of. More like how Rudy got into a game. Tony Romo is cooked, and so are the Cowboys. Philly covers 6 1/2.
Ravens at Bengals: Baltimore, the defending champs, needs a win and a plague of locusts to descend on San Diego of Miami just to make the playoffs. Not happening. But Ravens pull mild upset (and take the 6).
FINANCIAL LEDGER
Last chapter: 7-3 straight up, 6-4 against the line.
Mostly awesome: 141-33-1 straight up, 99-71-5 against the line.
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