The small choices that make us better people

Recently, my almost-a-daughter took me to see Sting for my birthday. I’m glad I helped raise a child with good musical taste. Unbeknownst to me, her mother — my ex — was at the concert, too.

Our relationship didn’t end badly, so we’ve remained friends, and it was good to see her in her element: grandmother, mother, and “therapist,” all at once. We had a good talk.

This is someone who could still be upset with me. I ended our relationship twenty years ago. Many people would hold a grudge. Not “Bunky.”

She chose not to.

Now, her daughter is raising two incredibly handsome boys with the same attitude and teaching them to be good to each other.

It’s one thing to tell a child not to take another child’s toy. It’s another to stop and explain why. That extra conversation sets the tone for the whole family, and it can last for generations if you nurture it.

In my practice, I’ve seen how often family problems trace back to lessons that were never taught — not just how to behave, but how to understand the people around you. Kids can tell the difference between “because I said so” and a parent who’s willing to slow down and show them the why. One builds compliance. The other builds character.

And those lessons don’t stop being useful when childhood ends.

Being a good person isn’t the same as being a doormat. It means making conscious choices about how you treat people around you and letting them feel your empathy without you needing anything back. All you can do is set the example and hope it gets passed forward.

This family made a conscious decision to be good people, and now it’s just who they are. Some of us didn’t come from that kind of nurturing background, so we learn as we go. Having family around is nice. Having good people in your life is something else entirely, whether they’re related to you or not.