The resilient child myth

My first husband was diagnosed with cancer while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He died when our daughters were just 9 months and 4 years old. People told me “children are resilient” or “they’re so young, they’ll be fine.” I tried to believe it, but even then something rang false to me. How could someone so young cope better with something so life-changing and sad?

What people don’t realize is that grief is just as much about the future as it is about the past. My children “regrieved” their dad at each new stage of development, and my oldest had a rocky adolescence because of finally grieving more fully. It was difficult for my children to grieve even with supports like good schools, friends, and economic stability. However, because they had proper grief support, they were able to cope with that grief effectively.

I’ve seen firsthand with my own kids and those I work with as a bereavement support professional that kids are not inherently resilient. This assumption can negatively affect a child’s development because with it comes others — that they don’t need support or tools to cope with their grief and that they’ll “move on” or even forget with time. We tell them to bounce back without telling them how.

How many kids are we talking about?

You might find yourself wondering why this matters. It probably doesn’t even apply to that many kids. There was a time when I thought the same: that parental death was overrepresented in children’s movies as a plot device. However, I’ve learned that’s a myth, too.

According to the Judi’s House Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, one in 11 kids in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18, and in some states as many as one in seven kids will be bereaved by 18. That’s about 6.6 million kids in the U.S. alone. And that number doubles by age 25.

I’ve seen firsthand with my own kids and those I work with as a bereavement support professional that kids are not inherently resilient. This assumption can negatively affect a child’s development because with it comes others — that they don’t need support or tools to cope with their grief and that they’ll “move on” or even forget with time. We tell them to bounce back without telling them how.

How many kids are we talking about?

You might find yourself wondering why this matters. It probably doesn’t even apply to that many kids. There was a time when I thought the same: that parental death was overrepresented in children’s movies as a plot device. However, I’ve learned that’s a myth, too.

According to the Judi’s House Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, one in 11 kids in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18, and in some states as many as one in seven kids will be bereaved by 18. That’s about 6.6 million kids in the U.S. alone. And that number doubles by age 25.

Additionally, the model only measures kids and teens who will experience the death of a parent or sibling. How many times do kids experience the death of a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a close friend? Just like we do as adults, kids may feel sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy and many other emotions that come with grief for more distant connections.

Grief and what comes after

Think of grief coping as a muscle. No one is born with the skills or tools to cope healthily with grief. Instead, we must learn and develop them with support from others. When we leave kids to face grief on their own, this often leads to unhealthy coping not just in the immediate aftermath of the death, but into adulthood.

When a child experiences a death, they stand at a fork in the road. On one path, their grief goes unaddressed, leading to long-term challenges. The New York Life Foundation found that grief has the single strongest impact on school outcomes. Recent CBEM reports also share that one in four youth who die by suicide are bereaved, and bereaved youth are 175% more likely to develop substance use disorder in adulthood.

These statistics show us that childhood grief is both common and a children’s mental health cornerstone. If their grief is never addressed, millions of children could face lifelong mental health challenges.

However, there is good news — another path where kids’ grief is addressed. Recreational, group-based programs help young people develop healthy coping skills while also building self-esteem, social skills and emotional intelligence.

Most importantly, these settings help them connect with peers their age and realize they’re not alone. Simply knowing that others understand exactly how they feel does wonders for a bereaved child or teen’s mental health.

Data from the bereavement organization where I work shows that community grief support leads to increased understanding and acceptance of the grief process, as well as growth in emotional and behavioral wellness.

Through assessments before and after programs, we also see double-digit decreases in suicide risk, depression risk and PTSD risk, as well as decreased distress related to identity, separation, and the circumstance of the death.

Ultimately, the power of learning these skills during youth also leads to lifelong well-being and resilience. Community grief support is the training field where kids develop their grief coping muscle memory, which will be used and strengthened well into adulthood.

How can I help?

We all have a role to play in creating a world in which it’s OK to grieve, a world where talking about grief isn’t taboo but encouraged.

If you’re a parent or provider, the best thing you can do is talk about death and grief with your bereaved child or clients. Grief often looks different in children than in adults.

For example, toddlers may not fully comprehend the permanence of death and may ask daily to see someone after they die. Young children may regress behaviorally, and youth of all ages may act out because they don’t have the tools to understand and communicate how they feel. Teens may test limits and engage in risky behaviors.

It’s important to understand that grief may underlie many children’s behaviors, so it’s important to address the root cause rather than disciplining them for a “bad” behavior. Seek out community-based programs to avoid isolation or leaving young people to face grief alone.

That’s the truth about resilient kids. They aren’t born that way; none of us are. It takes supportive adults to show them how to grieve healthily.