A political activist is dead. Charlie Kirk, the conservative Gen Z political influencer, was fatally shot while speaking on a college campus Wednesday. The news has touched many kids, teens and adults nationwide.
What does this news do to us and to our children?
Youth, along with many in Gen Z, have developed a personal relationship with influencers such as Kirk and see them as relatable figures despite their fame. For them, the loss is personal.
Credit: Contributed
Credit: Contributed
Young people need to process their thoughts and feelings toward his death. For some it might be harder than others. Anger is a common emotion when dealing with grief, and adults need to encourage kids that’s OK. Fear is also a common response. Death reminds us of our own frailty and the brevity and uncertainty of life. Grief isn’t linear, so the way one person processes it might look totally different from the next, even within the same family.
Kirk’s death is even more complex to navigate with kids because of the nature of his death and the current climate of political upheaval. Kids might need to talk about graphic footage that was released. Children should not watch the violent clip, but if they have, be there to listen and talk with them about it.
There is also an emotional response to the news of the shooting I’ve seen that is not so healthy — a vein of celebration in some social media feeds and groups. An attitude of “he got what he deserved.” This revenge victory dance over the death of a political “enemy” is even present among circles of kids.
One member of my daughter’s middle school dance group celebrated online as if it were a win that Kirk was killed. Just this morning I spoke with a parent whose high school son felt so bothered by one of his friends saying she was happy Kirk died that he had to talk to them about it late into the night. Another high school girl posted “Rest in peace Charlie Kirk” on Instagram. She was publicly chastised online for her political agreement with Kirk (with whom she doesn’t even agree).
There is an opportunity in crisis to see into the deeper parts of people’s psyche and beliefs. This crisis has revealed there are some cracks in the veneer of how youth and teens are applying empathy practically. Are we teaching kids to empathize with those they agree with while believing revenge is an acceptable path to justice? I have empathy for you if it doesn’t threaten my position or if it reinforces my worldview. Abide no hatred … until you voice your opinion the other way on (fill in the blank) issue.
Interpersonal disagreement is OK. Actually essential. It’s a developmentally necessary construct for relationships. If you agree with everything someone says, you’re probably not thinking for yourself, as each person holds nuanced opinions based on individual experience and physiology.
The instinctual reaction to being hurt or offended by someone? Revenge. And then what do we do to pay back that offense? Revenge. A vicious hate-driven cycle that ends marriages, poisons relationships and can threaten a collective democracy.
Revenge and “venting” don’t alleviate negative feelings. In fact, psychological research tells us that revenge can’t provide closure or catharsis. On the contrary, seeking revenge prolongs pain of the perceived offense, increases brooding and emotional dissatisfaction, and directs valuable physical and mental energy away from growth and creativity. Craving revenge activates the same neural pathways as narcotic addiction. For example, most motives for school shootings and road rage gun violence? Revenge.
Dealing with grief and pain in a healthy way is not a switch we turn on, it’s a muscle we use. We have to show our kids what the philosophy of nonviolence and nonretaliation looks like when we process pain and offense. If you are offended, wronged or disagree with others, challenge their ideas, debate them, get educated on the matter, name and feel all the feelings; wage war against ideas, not people.
Let’s teach kids that pursuing revenge on perceived enemies is an ever moving target that destroys the life of the seeker. Move closer to those of whom you’re tempted to hate. Seek to understand their perspective and then engage with them when it’s a safe place. The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. knew a thing or two about extending love to those hostile to you when he said: “There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
Will we teach our kids it’s OK to perpetuate a vicious hate cycle or will we teach them that personal and societal progress is made through the mightier power of empathy and nonviolence?
Beth Collums is an Atlanta-based writer. With a professional background in child and family therapy, she often writes about the intersection of mental health, relationships and education.
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