According to the "Economic Report of The President 2015," which I happened to be reading the other day between old episodes of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," and three Pop Tarts, "In 2014, the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) maintained a historically accommodative monetary policy stance. .... These tools included forward guidance for the future path of the Federal funds rate and additional purchases of longer-term U.S. Treasury securities and agency-guaranteed mortgage-backed securities. ... The five-year decline of 7.0 percentage points in the deficit-to-GDP ratio since FY 2009 has been the largest since the demobilization...."
At which point I stabbed myself with a fork and screamed, "I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE AUBURN GAME!"
Hello. I am back.
This is the only financial forecast you need. The Economic Report of The President has been put out every year since 1947. If it was that big of a deal, it would've been made into a movie by now.
So you should know how this works by now. Every week, the financial analysts of Weekend Predictions bring you the leading economic indicators for the week's college football and NFL games, such as this nugget of insight from Georgia coach Mark Richt on Wednesday: "I went and got my prostate checked today."
For weeks, Richt wouldn't tell us what Faton Bauta's completion percentage was in a scrimmage. Now he's opening up on his bodily functions. Eventually, the media will break you.
Don't worry. Weekend Predictions will continue its proud tradition of keeping my endocrine system out of the weekly conversation.
So back to me. By now, you should know how this works. Every week, I will give you the winners. It's your job to find them. Occasionally, you will come across some "losses" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know-what-I-mean) meant to throw off spies from competing investment strategists. You can find a key to these losses on Page 47 of the annual, "Economic Report of Weekend Predictions 2015," which can be provided to you for $50 plus $27.50 for postage and handling.
Weekend Predictions also is again running the annual "Sack Schultz" contest , where you can attempt to pick games against me, and, of course, fail. Prizes include a $2,500 Apple Vacation, Chick-fil-A Bowl tickets, $50 Kroger gift cards, Fatheads and leftovers from the Falcons' 2012 draft (gently used). Enter at www.AJC.com/go/sackschultz2015 .
So this week, Georgia plays a snack cake, Louisiana-Monroe. Richt has been talking about his prostate and quoting Winston Churchill. It's been tense, man. Greyson Lambert will start at quarterback, a decision of such significance this game that the line didn't move from 35 points. Then again, Louisiana-Monroe upset Alabama in 2007 and Arkansas in 2012. So maybe we shouldn't assume anything.
Hah! Just kidding. Nick Chubb runs for 150 if Richt keeps him in that long. For a quarter. Dogs cover the 35.
Donald Trump lays out his strategy “Sack Schultz 2015”
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Alcorn State at Georgia Tech: Alcorn State won the Southwestern Athletic Conference last season. Their nickname is the Braves. Do you know why they won? Because John Hart didn't trade everybody. Jackets cover 42½.
Kennesaw State at East Tennessee State: It's the first ever football game for K-State, which seems to be doing things right. It's also the first game for ETSU since 2003 when the program was stuck in a freezer on a shelf next to Ted Williams' head. ETSU's coach is 63-year-old Carl Torbush. I think he also had to be defrosted. Owls cover 4½.
North Carolina vs. South Carolina: It has been a tough offseason for Steve Spurrier. He has spent most of his time in front of the mirror yelling, "Boo!" but the mirror keeps laughing. Gamecocks cover 2½.
Spurrier has been losing it, as we see from his last news conference
(Pick three games and you will be entered in a contest to be DeKalb County CEO for a day! Vendors will be provided for you.)
Charlotte at Georgia State: Trent Miles is 1-23 in his first two seasons at Georgia State. The good thing about that is he can win this opener, then lose 23 straight and still say, "Hey boss, we haven't taken a step back!" (Try the veal.) Panthers cover 7.
Louisville vs. Auburn (Georgia Dome): This is the closest Bobby Petrino has come to Auburn since secretly meeting behind an airplane hanger to interview for a job that wasn't open. Ah, but that was in his formative years as a slug. And elsewhere this week, Idaho coach Paul Petrino closed practices to selected local media and allegedly threatened a reporter for "printing negative coverage of the team." So it turns out the punk brother doesn't fall far from the poison apple tree. Auburn covers 10½.
Wisconsin vs. Alabama (Arlington, Texas): Nick Saban has been beating himself up for not winning more than four national championships. "I feel like we've had good enough teams to win eight. I feel like I failed four times." Question: So why is it this never comes up in negotiations when he asks for a new contract every year? Bammy covers 10½.
Texas State at Florida State: The point spread in this game has dropped from 37 to 29. Perhaps bookmakers started factoring in all of those leg chains in Tallahassee. Seminoles win but take Texas State and the candy.
Ohio State at Virginia Tech: The Buckeyes have had an entire offseason of hearing how great they are, which sometimes can lead to an opening week faceplant. Problem: Nobody faceplants against Virginia Tech anymore. Buckeyes win but take Hokies and 11.
Georgia Southern at West Virginia: The line for this game opened at Mountaineers minus-31. It's now 19½. OK, I like the Eagles too but that's enough respect. WVU covers.
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“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” – W.C. Fields.
Last season: Can't recall specifics but I was awesome.
Lock of the week: Kwikset.
Sack Schultz 2015: Think you can pick games better than me? You're funny. Go to ajc.com/go/sackschultz2015 to enter.
Lilly's pick: Lilly The Greek asked for a Julio Jones-like contract extension. I countered with sleeping outside in January. We compromised on cheese for picks again. Few good games this week but so we're going with Louisville-Auburn. Cheese'd pictures of Gus Malzahn and a neck-braced Bobby Petrino were place on the wall. Lilly look left -- and went to right... to hell! Lilly picks Petrino and Louisville in an upset.
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