Before getting to this week’s feature presentation, “Whatever happened to the Georgia-Auburn game,” we have an important updates from Wall Street and the corpse laying in the middle of the road (the Braves).
The Braves officially began their offseason by trading shortstop Andrelton Simmons to the Los Angeles Angels for two pitching prospects and infielder Eric Aybar. Simmons has won two Gold Gloves and might be the best defensive player in baseball. But there wasn’t room for him because he’s a proven major league baseball player and people can pick him out of a lineup, and that totally messes up the organization’s master plan, which last season resulted in 67 wins, give or take an exploding clown shoe.
This news dovetails nicely with the announcement that Braves owner Liberty “Scrooge McDuck” Media has spun the team off into a “tracking stock.” I tend to get lost when news in the business world rises above the level of, “Four houses on Boardwalk. That’ll be $1,700.” But according to my sports-business tutor Tim Tucker, who lives for this stuff (strange man), tracking stocks can be traded (no, not traded as in for a Double-A pitcher because the Braves already have enough of those). So yes, the Braves will become a public stock.
Sell.
Sell!
SELL!!!
Wait. On second thought, this could be a sure thing, even better than my Georgia-will-beat-Alabama pick. The more Liberty Media holds the line on payroll and John Hart and John Coppolella deal fully ripened vegetables for magic beans, it’s good for business. Wins go down, stock price goes up. (This concept may excite Cobb’s Tim Lee so much that he’ll soon deal five public schools and three fire departments for a magic bridge.)
Anyway, on the subject of bad investments, let’s talk about Georgia.
The Bulldogs are 6-3. That sounds so much better than saying they’ve beaten Louisiana-Monroe (1-8, Sun Belt), Vanderbilt (1-4 in the SEC), South Carolina (1-6), Southern (FCS), Missouri (1-5) and Kentucky (2-5).
Their losses have come to the only two teams at the grown-up table (Alabama and Florida by a combined 65-13), and Tennessee (the teenager who doesn’t quite fit in with the grown-ups or the kids.)
Auburn is like Tennessee. Not a great team, but it has one impressive win, 26-10 at Texas A&M last week, so that’s one more impressive win than Georgia. The Tigers have an improving defense under Will Muschamp. We’re still not sure what Georgia has under Jeremy Pruitt, other than rumors he may not like Brian Schottenheimer, which actually would be just fine.
Auburn is trending upward. Buy. Georgia looks like an eight-track tape in a digital world. Dump.
The Tigers opened as a 2-point underdog. They’re now favored by 1 1/2. The wolves of Wall Street know something. Auburn wins and covers.
Semi-pro
Alabama at Miss. State: There's a new rumor the Indianapolis Colts will go after Nick Saban. I doubt Saban would make the move at 64, but he'll instruct his agent to fan the rumors, admonish fans for unrealistic expectations, admonish the media for spreading false lies, squeeze more money and power from Alabama's puppet administrators and then quietly eat a Little Debbie snack cake as if nothing ever happened. Tide covers 7 1/2.
Arkansas at LSU: Bret Bielema was 3-16 in SEC games until winning the past two over Auburn and Ole Miss. So they're happy in Pigville again. Imagine how they'll feel if they upset a Tigers team that may still feel punch-drunk from last week's loss to Alabama? Tempted to take the leap. But I can't. LSU wins, but take Arkansas and 7 1/2.
Florida at South Carolina: It's the Steve Spurrier Memorial Game, although technically he's not dead, he's just drifting from pier to pier telling fish stories. Maybe he can show up at halftime and call a play for South Carolina: Tell everybody to go out long and then take the ball and duck out the back. Gators cover 8.
Miami at North Carolina: Hey, NCAA! Look! They're here in the same stadium! Do something! (This is what it must've been like when the heads of two organized crime families met for dinner and the FBI thought, "We got nothing.") Winner gets a Get Out of Probation Free Card. Heels cover 13.
Kennesaw State at Coastal Carolina: The Owls have won six games (6-3), which is about four more than I expected, so some belated advice: Take the over. But they're beat up and missing their quarterback, and Coastal Carolina is better than the team KSU just lost to by two touchdowns (Charleston Southern). No worries, Owls. Georgia Tech and Georgia State would love to have six wins. C.C. covers 21 1/2.
NFL fridge pack
Falcons: Roddy White pasted his mugshot on every page of a "Where's Waldo" book and gave it to Kyle Shanahan for the bye week.
Panthers at Titans: Former Miami coach Don Shula said he "would love to see" Carolina go undefeated. They won't. But this season has been therapeutic for Don's son, Mike Shula, Carolina's offensive coordinator, who after extensive therapy can walk down the street without believing the lamppost is following him for the first time since leaving Tuscaloosa. Panthers cover 5.
Bears at Rams: St. Louis fans look at Todd Gurley like Los Angeles fans looked at Eric Dickerson. Oh look, the moving van. Rams cover 7.
Cowboys at Bucs: Greg Hardy briefly changed his Twitter bio to read, "Innocent until proven guilty." So I guess a judge declaring him guilty and pictures of a battered woman don't count. On a related note: Where does everybody stand on tying a cretin to a post and covering him with leeches? Dallas wins, take the gift 1.
Lilly’s pick
Georgia at Auburn: Lilly The Greek has reeled off three consecutive wins to raise her record to 7-3. This week, for a twist, we posted cheese'd pictures of two defensive coordinators, Muschamp and Pruitt. Lilly went straight to Muschamp. Auburn wins.
Accountability scorecard
Last week (cover your eyes): 8-6 straight up, 4-10 against the spead.
Bottom line: 91-42 straight up; 64-67-2 against the line.
About the Author
