Before we get to this week’s big game between the remains of the Georgia Bulldogs and South Carolina defensive end Monster Zero, this important spiritual update.
On Thursday, Jews worldwide celebrated Rosh Hashanah, also known as the New Year, for it was 5,774 years ago, according to legend and scripture, that God created humans and animals, and also chickens and Steve Spurrier. Adam and Eve were born on Rosh Hashanah, and other members of the animal kingdom soon followed because humans needed something to eat other than apples, and we needed something to laugh at other than fig-leaf underpants (not a good look), so the Lord gave us Spurrier, but that one backfired, like MTV, so then he apologized because he had indigestion that day, so he tried to make up for it by giving us Labrador puppies, tax loopholes and the remote control, and we dropped to our knees.
(I totally could be a rabbi.)
Meanwhile, Spurrier is here. Between complaints about SEC scheduling and storming out of news conferences to protest a newspaper columnist who dared not to bow in his presence, he has coached the Gamecocks to the upper half of the SEC. With all of the parades in his honor, you would've thought he actually had won an SEC championship in Columbia. (Nope.) Or had been to a bunch of conference-title games. (One: He lost 56-17.) Or didn't find his team tied 7-7 in the fourth quarter against … Wofford? (Last season.)
But say this for Spurrier: He still owns Georgia. The Leghorns have won the past three meetings. The upset will be if Spurrier’s head fits through the gates of Sanford Stadium on Saturday.
Time to deflate.
The Dogs lost at Clemson last week. No surprise. But this game will be different. Better defense on one side and more running and quicker pass plays on the other to counter the attended assault of defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, who presumably will bounce back from last week, when he looked like he had just awakened from an all-night Hostess and Doritos bender.
It will be close. But it’s written in Predictions Scripture: Georgia wins and covers 3.
NFL SNACK PACK
(Week 1 Special! Pick any three games, and Tim Tebow will come to your tailgate party. Turns out he’s free.)
Falcons at New Orleans: In honor of Sean Payton's first game back from suspension, the first 5,000 fans get knee-capped. This probably wouldn't have been the Falcons' first choice for a season opener. But when you're playing a team that allowed 454 points a year ago, what makes anybody think that the head coach was the only issue? Take the 3, but Falcons win straight up.
New England at Buffalo: Maybe one day, O.J. Simpson and Aaron Hernandez can break down this game for us. Patriots cover 9 1/2.
Philly at Washington: Everybody's in love with a dynamic new quarterback who can change a game with his legs or his arm in an instant — and Michael Vick has to deal with the fact that it's the guy on the other team. Assuming Robert Griffin III stays in one piece: Redskins cover 3 1/2.
Seattle at Carolina: The Seahawks are everybody's Super Bowl darlings. Me, I still see Pete Carroll. Seattle covers 3 1/2.
Tampa Bay at N.Y. Jets: By the end of a season with Geno Smith, Matt Simms, Brady Quinn and Mark Sanchez at quarterback, Jets fans are going to remember Tim Tebow with Joe Namath-like fondness. Bucs cover 3.
Green Bay at San Francisco: Jim Harbaugh is concerned that "tough talk" by Green Bay's defense suggests the Packers might be "targeting" 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Wait. You mean defenses target quarterbacks? Shocking. 49ers cover 4 1/2.
SIDE ORDERS
UT-Choo-Choo U at Georgia State: Trent Miles got a taste of what he's in for in the opening loss to Samford. But at least the Panthers led for a while and nobody quit. Embrace the small victories. They lose to Chattanooga, but I'll take the 10 points.
Florida at Miami: It's been three months since the NCAA read charges to the Miami Corleones at a hearing. Some believe the wait is unfair. Why? Feel sorry for convicted felons when they're waiting for yet another jury to come back? Here's a suggestion, Hurricanes: Escape to Zihuatanejo, Mexico, while you still can. Gators cover 3.
Soul-less at Tennessee: Western Kentucky beat Kentucky, so Bobby is 1-0 against the SEC and some angel lost his wings. It's up to Tennessee to keep the seas from boiling. Tennessee covers 13 1/2.
Sam Houston State at Texas A&M: Aggies coach Kevin Sumlin isn't letting Johnny Manziel talk to the media for a while. Or maybe it's that Manziel is making Sumlin talk to the media. I've lost track of who's coaching the team. A&M covers 39 1/2.
SCORECARD
Progress report: Last week: 9-1 straight up, 7-3 against the line.
Lilly Pick of the Week: Lilly is 0-1 after picking Georgia last week. I've reminded her that I have Gracie the German Shepherd waiting on the practice squad. This week's cheese war: Mark Richt vs. Steve Spurrier. Lilly looked at Spurrier-like limburger, then she darted for Richt. Dog picks Dogs.
Sack Schultz update: I went 11-4 in the contest picks, but we had three cheaters, I mean, contestants, go 15-0. Want to join the fun and maybe win a $5,000 trip to Hawaii? Enter at ajc.com/go/sackschultz2013.
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