According to legend — my second favorite source behind the double-secret Cobb County Commission meetings that are held every full moon at 10 p.m. under Table 3 at the Marietta Dairy Queen, after which Tim Lee emerges and screams to the masses, “We’ve made our decision! No hearings! Now back off and where is my Blizzard!?!” — Kentucky once had a really good football team.
It’s true. Actually, it was 63 years ago when the pre-Bammy Bear Bryant went 11-1 and coached Kentucky to an upset over No. 1 Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl. But because the final polls came out before bowl games in 1950, noted computer sports geek Jeff Sagarin chose to correct history and declare the Wildcats the national champions retroactively in 1990.
So, in a sense, you could make the case that Kentucky has been awarded a national championship in football more recently than Georgia. (Wow, look at the phone lines light up.)
Anyway, Bryant felt so ignored at Kentucky that he once cracked, “The other night we had a joint basketball-football banquet and (basketball coach) Adolph Rupp was presented with a big four-door Cadillac. All I got was this cigarette lighter,” which he held up. Historians have long since debunked the veracity of this statement, saying Bryant was just joking. But I choose to believe it because there’s been nothing entertaining to talk about Kentucky football since then.
Which leads to this week’s game between Georgia and the SEC Hologram Football Program. The Dogs’ long-shot SEC East Division title dreams were squashed at Auburn. Now the best they can hope for is to not scare off the Music City Bowl or Gator Bowl. Hey, it could be worse. Kentucky coach Mark Stoops has yet to win an SEC game and his last job was at Florida State, which likely is headed for the BCS championship game. Try rewriting that history.
Stoops, you’ll be lucky to get a book of matches.
Dogs win and cover 23 1/2.
IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE TEST?
Alabama A&M at Georgia Tech: Just when the Jackets' defense wasn't looking like the after-picture when Curly Howard inadvertently mixed up the blasting powder with the baking powder (again!), Tech was flattened by Clemson for 55 points. But it's fortuitous that when they were knocked to the ground, they found their next opponent: Alabama Not Tuscaloosa. Tech wins and covers a whale (51 1/2).
GaState at ArkState: You know what's really bad? When a young program is 0-10 and still has a chance to match last year's win total (1). Alas: Panthers go down again, and the 24 is covered.
Texas A&M at LSU: The Aggies opened the season with Rice and Sam Houston State. They'll close it at LSU and Missouri. Note to Johnny Manziel autograph brokers: Sell high. Like, now. Tigers cover 4.
Chattanooga at Alabama: True story: Alabama's evil licensing arm sent a cease-and-desist letter to "Mary's Cake and Pastries" because it makes elephant-shaped cookies with a red script "A" on them. The letter also demanded documentation for how many $1.75 cookies have been sold. It's uncertain whether the school is claiming licensing rights to all elephants or the letter A, or Nick Saban simply feels cookies are at the root of the decline of civilization. In any case, he blew up Mary's home planet. Crimson Tide cover 49.
Vanderbilt at Tennessee: Vandy won last year's meeting 41-18. The next day, Derek Dooley was fired and Barbara Dooley burned everything orange in her wardrobe. You know, this just isn't as much fun now. Can we get Phil Fulmer back? Take the gift 3, but Vandy wins straight up.
Missouri at Mississippi: Somewhere in Columbia, S.C., Steve Spurrier is sticking pins in his Gary Pinkel voodoo doll. Dangerous game for Mizzou. Tempted to pick an upset. Can't do it. Missouri wins and covers 3.
Mississippi State at Arkansas: Remember that former Piggy volleyball player, Jessica Dorrell, who was engaged to an Arkansas trainer but then had a fling with Bobby Petrino because, well, she ate paint chips as a little girl? Well, turns out her fiance married her anyway. I guess he ate paint chips, too. That's it. I just found that more interesting than anything about the game. Other Dogs cover 2.
Duke at Wake Forest: Well, duh. Who didn't know this game would have ACC division-title ramifications? Dukies close in on division, cover 5.
PROS AND CONS
Broncos at Patriots: The NFL wouldn't comment on the botched call at the end of the Carolina-New England on Monday night game. In keeping with tradition of all Patriots-related controversies, they also burned the game tape. Take the gift 2 1/2 and the Pats in a mild upset.
Cowboys at Giants: From Dallas poobah Jerry Jones, whose team is about to miss the playoffs for the fourth consecutive year: "I probably listen to more talk radio than anyone. I think I love the pain." Really? So maybe he should try standing behind his offensive line. Giants cover 2 1/2.
Vikings at Packers: Minus Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay backups Scott Tolzien and Seneca Wallace have combined for one touchdown, six interceptions and three losses. This is when coach Mike McCarthy loses the, "It's the system" debate. But the Vikings stink, Packers cover 4 1/2.
49ers at Redskins: Remember when RGIII was good? Niners cover 5.
Panthers at Dolphins: The latest on excommunicated geranium Richie Incognito: He reportedly mocked the wife of a team staff member and joked about her culture and having sex with her. We're one story away from a movement to bring back public stoning. Carolina covers 4.
SCORECARD
Last week: 11-0 straight up, 7-3-1 against the line.
Financial windfall to date: 112-25 straight up, 79-55-3 against the line.
Lilly Pick of The Week: La Mutt dropped to 7-5 with last week's Georgia pick. This week, it was a choice between the "cheesed" pictures of Texas A&M (Johnny Manziel) and LSU (Zach Mettenberger). Lilly darted for: Manziel and A&M.
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