Jeff Schultz’s Weekend Predictions

According to various websites and news sources used here at The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, also known as Nathan Deal’s favorite “fish-wrapper” (Old school rip; ask your parents.), Sept. 19 (Thursday) was International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

ITLAPD was created in 1995 by two guys in Oregon who must’ve just been bored one day and maybe had a secret desire to be an anti-hero or have a superpower or maybe just dress up as a governor, and the parody holiday grew after a column by humorist Dave Barry, who’s just another writer who sits around and makes stuff up and metaphorically has his work wrapped around a smelt.

Deal might have been commemorating Talk Like A Pirate Day on Thursday because if you read his comments regarding an AJC report that state ethics commissioner Holly LaBerge (sorta recruited by Deal) ordered the removal of an investigative file on The Gov regarding ethics violations, this is what they translated to: “Argh!”

Pirate Talk! (Personally, I think his speech would’ve had more impact if he wore an eye patch, carried a parrot and maybe had a PR guy named Smee. But any time somebody can work “fish wrapper” into his indignation speech, it’s a good day for a pirate.)

I figure Deal’s best hope is that the NCAA takes over the investigation, and then it has no shot of going anywhere.

(Aspiring fish-wrap writers: See: This is how you set up a transition.)

Which leads me to Georgia Tech. Paul Johnson would make an excellent pirate. Grumbles “Argh!” with the best of them. His offense did a pretty good job plundering and pillaging Elon and Duke. North Carolina is a bigger boat, but one with leaks.

Shiver this timber: Jackets win and cover 6 1/2.

SNACKS AISLE

North Texas at Georgia: North Texas’s nickname, the “Mean Green,” comes from ex-football star “Mean” Joe Greene, who later played with the Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s a nice tribute, but I’m thinking North Texas should’ve just gone with “Steelers” instead of something that sounds like a competitor to Mr. Clean. North Texas has beaten Idaho and Ball State, which means, well, absolutely nothing this week. Dogs cover 32 1/2.

Winning Team at Georgia State: I don’t know how successful Trent Miles (0-3) is going to be. But I kinda like him. At this week’s news conference he held up an old picture of himself with hair and said, “If you want to ask questions about the past, this is the only thing we’ll discuss today.” Laughing through the pain. Works for me. Keep ’em coming. Meanwhile: Jacksonville State covers 10.

Tennessee at Florida: The actual lead in a Bleacher Report story this week: “If the Florida Gators lose to the Tennessee Volunteers this week, Will Muschamp will be in trouble.” With who? Bleacher Report? Suddenly going 11-2 in Season 2 and cleaning up a program of convicts is considered bupkis? Somebody stuff this guy into a locker. Gators cover 17.

Auburn at LSU: Auburn already has one more SEC win than a year ago. After the next three conference games against LSU, Ole Miss and Texas A&M, they’ll still have one more SEC win than a year ago. Purple Tigers cover 17 1/2.

SMU at Texas A&M: Autographs for money? Think anybody would’ve noticed that at SMU back in the day when they were handing out Camaros like lollipops? Aggies cover 28 1/2.

Missouri at Indiana: An SEC chart this week showed Missouri’s Gary Pinkel ranks second to only Steve Spurrier in career wins. He’s ahead of Nick Saban, Mark Richt and Les Miles. That’s going to look really good on his Sun Belt bio page one day. Tigers cover 3.

NFL SNACK PACK

Falcons at Dolphins: I asked coach Mike Smith if Sean Weatherspoon’s foot injury was a fracture or a ligament tear. “It’s in the foot,” he said. But what’s the injury, bone or ligament? “It’s somewhere in the foot.” What’s not a secret: Weatherspoon is out at least eight weeks and Steven Jackson for two to four. The Falcons’ injury report includes a foot injury, two problem thighs, a high ankle sprain, a torn Achilles, a separated shoulder and 37 tight sphincters. Good week for ice bags. Bad week for Dolphins. Miami covers 2.

Browns at Vikings: Cleveland traded recent No. 1 pick Trent Richardson to the Colts. Why? Because the front office is rebuilding. Again. Two games into the season. Hey, Baltimore: Want another team? Minnesota covers 5 1/2.

Colts at 49ers: If the Browns had waited a week, Richardson could’ve made his Indy debut against Jacksonville instead of San Francisco, and Fantasy League owners would be rejoicing. Alas: Niners win, but take Indy and 10 1/2.

Swashbucklers at Patriots: Last week the story was Josh Freeman not showing up for a team photo and being voted down as team captain. This week it’s Darrelle Revis not being a fan of coach Greg Schiano. Come here, big guys. Let Bill Belichick give you a hug. Despite pirate themes: New England covers 7 1/2.

Giants at Panthers: New York has allowed 77 points in two losses. Wait, was that “Carrie’s” hand that just punched through the dirt? Giants cover 1.

ACCOUNTABILITY SCORECARD

Last week (malodorous): 10-2 straight up, 4-7-1 against the line.

So far, so so feh: 26-7 straight up, 16-16-1 against the line.

Lilly’s Pick of the Week: @LillyTheGreek is on Twitter! Lilly is 2-1 in straight-up cheese picks. This week’s choice: Cheesed pictures of Tech’s Paul Johnson and North Carolina’s Larry Fedora were hung with great care. Winner: Johnson/Tech.

Sack Schultz update: Two weekly winners were Jamey Bailey of Alpharetta and Mark Dutton of Topeka, Kansas, who each went 15-0. Several bunched up in overall lead. Want to join the fun and maybe win a trip to Hawaii? Go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2013.

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