Hello, and welcome back to Dysfunction Junction, where Georgia is losing, coaches are fighting, Greg McGarity is evading, Brian Schottenheimer is turtling and Mark Richt felt compelled to set Mr. Mutant Twitter Reporter straight Thursday by Tweeting back at him: “Just so everyone knows, Jeremy Pruitt is our defensive coordinator and is in the office working diligently getting ready for Kentucky!”
I like the exclamation point. It makes the Kentucky game seem almost important. Like it’s basketball.
Richt’s tweet followed a fake tweet that was floated from (not really) Jeremy Pruitt’s Twitter account, as if he had been fired, possibly after he punched another coach, or two, or six, depending on the rumor: “When one door closes, another door opens. Those who are complacent with mediocrity are doomed to stay there.”
The fake tweet was almost poetic.
Also true.
It has been such a great week in Athens, with reports of dissension, dysfunction and eventual dissolution of the coaching staff that it’s easy to forget Richt suspended two players for marijuana.
Remember the good ol’ days in Athens, when arrests and drug suspensions were the only things you had to worry about? Ah, good times.
For the record, Richt confirmed that Pruitt is still his defensive coordinator. He never confirmed that Schottenheimer is calling plays for the offense. I think he gave Schottenheimer some “special” headsets that aren’t connected to anybody else’s. They’re made by Fisher-Price and look just like the real thing! Also, you can also talk to Santa Claus on them.
This week, it’s … Kentucky!
On the SEC Network. At noon. When all the stars play.
The Dogs are favored by 14. Seriously? Their point total in the past two games: 12. Dogs win, but I’ll take Kentucky and the candy.
Study hall
LSU at Alabama: Nick Saban doesn't have a Twitter account. But if he did the avatar would be a gremlin with glowing eyes, and any attempts to block him surely would be met with an immediate electronic charge sent from his keyboard to your keyboard through your fingertips, through your body and down each leg, ultimately causing each of your 10 toes to blow up. Of course, Les Miles would try it over and over again, just for laughs. Bammy wins, but take LSU and 6 1/2.
Vanderbilt at Florida: Jim McElwain has his feet up on the desk, smoking a stogie and thinking, "Is that all it takes to win the SEC East?" I think the line is 117. Gators cover.
South Carolina at Tennessee: Tennessee's only two SEC wins have come over Georgia and Kentucky. I guess which one was tougher will be determined Saturday. Vols cover 17.
Florida State at Clemson: I'm beginning to think this might be a Clemsoning-free Clemson season because losing at home to this mediocre Florida State team when the Tigers are a 12 1/2-point favorite and ranked No. 1 by the playoff committee surely would be the greatest humiliation of Dabo Swinney's career. There, that oughta do it. Lightning crack! Naw. Clemson wins, but take FSU and the candy.
Duke at North Carolina: The ACC admits their officials screwed up the end-of-game kickoff return in the Miami-Duke game, so they admonished the crew publicly with a point-by-point press release and suspended all of the blind mice for two games. But Duke still loses because, well, why exactly? Carolina covers 7 1/2.
Auburn at Texas A&M: Auburn is 1-7 in its past eight SEC games, dating to last season. Gus Malzahn would prefer to go back to 2013. Aggies cover 7 1/2.
La-Lafayette at Georgia State: Trent Miles went 0-12 in his first season, 1-11 in his second season and is 2-5 in Year 3. I'm working on my positive talking points in case I ever go into PR. What the heck: Take the 3 1/2 and GSU in a straight upset.
Pros, or just faking it
Falcons at 49ers: Colin Kaepernick lost his starting job to a guy (Blaine Gabbert) who was dumped by Jacksonville, and one fan put him up for sale on Amazon ("Price: $114,000,000. Free shopping.") What's the next step down for a quarterback. Georgia? Remember when the 49ers were good? Falcons cover 7.
Eagles at Cowboys: So if Fantasy Football is so easy like the commercials suggest, why can't Chip Kelly and Jerry Jones get it right? Philly covers 2 1/2.
Rams at Vikings: Todd Gurley, busted in college for signing autographs for nickels, doesn't have to worry about that anymore. Now he'll even wear a pink tutu in public view for money. Truth: Gurley wears the tutu and sings, "I'm a little teapot" as part of his mock rookie hazing in a Jolly Ranchers commercial, as a teammate yells, "Dance Gurley-man! Dance!" Yeah. Right to the bank. Take the 2 1/2, but Rams win in a straight upset.
Packers at Panthers: Carolina is 7-0 because of its defense and quarterback Cam Newton, who can make just enough plays to win games. Speaking of which: Whatever happened to that knucklehead draft guy who referenced Newton's "phony smile" as evidence he would stink in the NFL? However: Green Bay wins and covers 2 1/2.
Redskins at Patriots: Shout out to the kid who went as "Deflategate Brady" (complete with Pinocchio nose and deflated plastic footballs on his shirt) for Halloween. Dan Snyder tried to go as "Superstar RGIII" but he only got rocks. Pats win, but take Washington and 13 1/2.
Broncos at Colts: It's homecoming for Peyton Manning, who has a chance to break two of Brett Favre's records, which he'll get to right after he pats Andrew Luck on the head like a puppy, keys Jimmy Irsay's car and throws 27 touchdown passes. Broncos cover 5.
Lilly's Pick (Kentucky at Georgia): Magic Mutt is 6-3 and out of her slump, suddenly demanding free-range chicken for her picking exercise. Instead, she got "processed cheese food" dyed Vol orange. This week's choices: Pictures of Mark Richt and Kentucky's mascot. Lilly hasn't turned on Richt, yet. She's taking the Doggies.
Accountability scorecard
Last week: 11-4 straight up, 8-7 against the line.
Bottom line: 83-36 straight up; 60-57-2 against the line.
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