As their 2014 wedding approached, Shannon Monte, 28, and Randy Johnson, 30, reviewed their to-do list. Flowers? Check. Venue? Check. Food? Check. Ceremony officiant? Um.
A member of the clergy was not an option, said the Kenosha, Wis., couple, because they didn’t know a pastor well. So, they asked a friend, Claire Zautke of Milwaukee.
The Johnsons are not alone. Forty percent of couples used a friend or relative to officiate their 2015 wedding ceremonies, according to the Knot Real Weddings Study. That’s up from 29 percent in 2009, when online wedding resource The Knot started keeping track. Most of the other couples used a “professional,” such as a cleric or a professional wedding officiant.
Zautke, who works in community relations and on a school board, was ordained through the Seattle-based, nondenominational Universal Life Church, which issues free officiant licenses.
The Johnsons chose Zautke because she knew them well. In the ceremony, Zautke recounted the day she knew they would marry. “Shannon and I were leaving for a weekend, and Randy was so sad. He didn’t want to say goodbye to her, even for a few days.”
Couples choose nonclergy officiants (some call themselves “celebrants”) for several reasons, say those who do this for a living. The couples want their wedding and reception in the same place. They subscribe to different religions. Their church will not marry the partner who was married before. Or they are among the growing number of nonchurchgoers.
Thirty-five percent of millennials (born 1981-96) are “religious nones,” reported a 2014 Pew Research Center study, and describe themselves as agnostic, atheist or not affiliated with an organized religion. In 2007, 25 percent were “nones.”
“We both grew up Catholic but were lapsed, agnostic adults,” said Tim Ritz, 29, who married his wife, Kolleen, 29, in 2015. The Chicago couple were disenchanted with Catholic ceremonies they had attended because “they seemed dedicated to extracting a promise to produce lots and lots of babies,” he said.
While the Ritzes eschewed the church, they wanted “someone with the gravitas and authority of the clergy,” Ritz said. They chose the Rev. Anne Styx of New Lenox, Ill., a nondenominational officiant.
Unlike a friend who gets ordained just for your wedding, a professional can predict pitfalls because she’s seen it all, Styx said.
Guests look to the officiant to take charge when a problem occurs. “Sometimes I’ve had to stop the ceremony, like when a bridesmaid fainted,” Styx said. “But usually it’s a matter of ‘stay calm and carry on.’”
Work with your officiant to write a ceremony script. “Then, on your wedding day, you’ll be prepared, so you can be in the moment and enjoy it,” said the Rev. Phil Landers, an Addison, Ill., officiant.
No need to start from scratch; there are plenty of templates online.
“Traditional enough to consider the relatives but fresh enough that it’s not like every other wedding” is how most couples envision their ceremonies, Landers said.
There are certain elements most couples want, Landers said: a welcome, a processional, readings, vows, a ring exchange and a declaration of the couple as married. But it’s the couple’s story that makes it personal.
Landers’ present-tense delivery injects humor into the ceremony. “She wants a ring for her birthday,” he said at a recent ceremony. “He gets her a crockpot.”
Many couples incorporate cultural traditions in their nuptials, such as jumping the broom or participating in a Chinese tea ceremony.
When Emily Guevera, 23, married Manuel Ramirez, 27, in 2015, the Aurora, Ill., couple included a lasso ritual that was familiar to their families. Wrapped loosely around the couple, the lasso formed the figure eight, symbolizing infinity.
Some couples honor deceased loved ones with candle lightings, said Wexford, Pa., officiant Pat Carver, whose website lists ritual ideas.
Don’t let your script run longer than a half-hour, warned the officiants. “After that, your guests’ eyes glaze over,” Carver said.
Heed wedding license rules and officiant requirements, which vary state to state and even county by county. In Colorado, for example, you can be your own officiant.
Listen to advice from well-meaning relatives, Styx tells her couples. Then, she added, “Learn to say this: ‘I love you, but this is our wedding.’”
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