Step foot on any college campus on freshman move-in day, and you’ll see the same scene: scores of devoted parents with ambivalent looks on their faces, a blend of worry and pride. For those saying goodbye to their only or youngest child, the journey that awaits them will be just as uncharted as the one that lies ahead for their new college student. What will life be like now with an empty nest?
Natalie Caine, founder of Life in Transition, remembers the feeling all too well. As her daughter and only child prepared to venture off to college 3,000 miles away from home (moving from Los Angeles to New York), Caine feared how their relationship would change. She hosted a meeting with other parents in her shoes, and out of that blossomed her counseling service. She provides advice to parents preparing for empty nests.
Caine and several other experts shared with us their tips for how to cope.
Find new meaning
For many parents, much of their identity derives from their duties as a caregiver. With that responsibility reduced, it’s time to find another role, whether in one’s family, career or the community. “You have to fill the void, and to do that, you have to redefine who you are in a way,” said Guy Winch, psychologist and author of “Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts” (Plume).
Explore your interests
Have you always longed to speak French or successfully make a souffle? Now’s your chance. Fill the quiet time by discovering new hobbies or delving more deeply into existing ones. “Some parents who were occasional runners will sign up for a triathlon or join a running club,” Winch said.
Plan your future
Have a vision for how you want this next chapter of your life to unfold. Couples need to have a discussion about what they dream of for the future, Caine said. One person might want to take up gardening or build a new patio. The other might want to sell the house and move to a different state. An empty nest can unfortunately lead some couples to separate, Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, said. It’s often women who ask for the divorce. “You’ve been investing so much in your children that to some degree you’ve lost the closeness and interest in your spouse,” she said. Rekindle your relationship by doing meaningful, fun activities together - like what you did before you had children.
Get healthy
“Lots of people get the healthiest they’ve ever been in the empty nest,” Caine said. Sign up for a yoga class. Go for long walks to clear your mind. Pick up a sport, and join a recreational league. Exercise is a terrific way to stay busy.
Learn to let go
Don’t be disappointed if your new college student doesn’t call or text every day. Set a rough schedule for how often you’re going to call - say, every Sunday evening or every two weeks - and stick to it. You can even discuss it before he or she leaves for school, Caine said. “Parents have to give their child that room, that distance,” Saltz said. Let them discover their independence, but be there when they need support.
