1. "Who would have thought with everything going on in the country now that a Muslim would be standing on this stage for the ninth year in a row, baby?"
2. "No one wanted to do this, so of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant."
3. "We all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps."
4. "For the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there was also another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail."
5. "Historically, the president usually performs at the Correspondents' Dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he's done far too much bombing this month."
Inside the White House Correspondents' Dinner
6. "I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. 'Not-see' Steve Bannon. 'Nazi' Steve Bannon."
7. "Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn't let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating."
8. "Jeff Sessions couldn't be here tonight; he was busy doing a pre-Civil War re-enactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote "no," just "nooo!" – which happens to be his second-favorite N-word."
9. "Even Hillary Clinton couldn't be here tonight. I mean, she could have been here, but I think someone told her the event was in Wisconsin and Michigan."
10. "It finally happened: Bill O'Reilly has been fired. But then you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won't force a woman to touch."
11. "CNN is here, baby. Now you guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I'm not going to call you fake news, but everything isn't breaking news. You can't go to DEFCON 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer."