Before we get to this week's, "ACC Championship Preview Between Florida State and Georgia Tech!" -- Time stamp: Please use this headline before Sept. 19, along with that old chicken lo mein in the back corner of the refrigerator. It just moved. Hey, maybe can it play quarterback for Georgia! -- this update from the ACC:
Ever notice that no matter what certain teams or coaches or conferences try, something goes horribly wrong? Like when Igor in Young Frankenstein was given specific instructions to retrieve the brain of the late Hans Delbruck, but he accidentally dropped it, so he made an executive decision and grabbed a replacement.
"Abby someone," Igor said.
"Abby who?" Dr. Frankenstein said.
"Abby Normal," Igor said.
"Are you saying I put an abnormal brain into a seven-and-a-half-foot long, 54-inch wide gorilla!?!" Dr. Frankenstein said.
At which point, he grabbed Igor and screamed, "You idiot! Now look at us! We're stuck with Louisville and Syracuse!"
The ACC expanded in 2013. It took Notre Dame, but only in basketball, so that was kind of dumb. It took Pitt, for reasons that remain a mystery. It took Syracuse, which stinks in football and is good in basketball but was slapped with NCAA probation in March for academic fraud and improper benefits, which made Jim Boeheim (more) miserable. It took Louisville, which showed they're ready to lead the youth of America by rehiring Bobby Petrino in football and reportedly using a dorm as a make-shift Club Boom Boom for recruits. (Headline on the satirical website, The Sports Pickle , "Louisville Unlikely to Fire Pitino After Top 700 Recruits Schedule Official Visits."
But hey, at least North Carolina hasn't done anything wrong.
Oh. Wait a minute.
This ACC football season has been a mess. Only seven of 14 teams have winning overall records, which is difficult after seven weeks when you should have fattened up on Elon, Alcorn State and all of their cousins. The biggest bust: Georgia Tech. The Jackets have dropped five straight, as well as several engine parts.
This week's game against FSU figured to be huge. Now it's just getting in the way of the end.
The line says Seminoles by 6½. Is that for one half or one game? Noles win and cover.
Georgia: Off. Dogs offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer repainted his office from white to beige to shake things up a bit.
Dog reacts to Schottenheimer's offense
Tennessee at Alabama: This series is known as, "The Third Saturday In October" because Tennessee rejected the first option, "The Week We Get Run Over By A Winnebago." Actual fact: Since Nick Saban was hired, Alabama has won eight straight meetings by an average score of 35-12. Bammy covers 15½.
Boston College at Louisville: The Vaudeville team of Petrino and Pitino will be giving life coach tips in the Louisville student center this week. Question: Do strippers and hookers like fit under the cost-of-attendance mandate with the NCAA? Louisville wins but take B.C. and 7.
Clemson at Miami: I really like the whole white shirt and tie thing that Miami coach Al Golden has going on. And he won't have to buy a new wardrobe when he's selling term life policies after the season. Clemson covers 7.
Auburn at Arkansas: I'm not suggesting the bar has been lowered at Auburn but a local media member actually wrote that consecutive wins over San Jose State and Kentucky represented "a turnaround." So I guess this will qualify as quote a letdown: Arkansas covers 6.
Texas A&M at Ole Miss: Fun week in the land of Faulkner. Coach Hugh Freeze, who's on Twitter, agreed to speak personally with an angry fan in the wake of last week's loss to Memphis. Problem is the school's athletic director Tweeted Freeze's phone number for the disturbed portion of the world to see. Dumb. This should quiet the noise: Mississippi wins but take the Aggies and 6.
Falcons at Titans: The Falcons have only seven sacks, last in the NFL and tying them with Texas State. That's going to be a problem when they play teams with real offenses, which should not be confused with Tennessee. The five fumbles in New Orleans was an aberration. Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman should have a field day against the Titans' run defense. Falcons cover 4½
Jets at Patriots: Tom Brady said he wants to play 10 more seasons. He would be 48 years old in 2025, which would tie him with George Blanda, assuming Blanda doesn't come out of retirement to reclaim his record. He's dead but Roger Goodell will figure out some what to exhume the body, go all Frankenstein and put the game on national TV in Week 37 (most players objected to 37-game seasons so they were replaced by cyborgs). New England wins but take the Jets and 8½.
Eagles at Panthers: Philly quarterback Sam Bradford has five interceptions in the last two weeks and ranks 28th in passer rating. Two more interceptions and he would be clinically dead in 12 states. Full disclosure: I liked Chip Kelly's idea to get Bradford, which only proves I'm as bad a general manager as he is. Carolina covers 3.
Browns at Rams: Johnny Manziel admits to drinking again and his girlfriend said, "He hit me a couple of times" and "I'm in fear for my life." And has anybody seen the Browns' spine in all this? Rams cover 5½.
Manziel's spirit guide
Bills at Jaguars: The Bills are only 2-3 since winning their opener, when every national football writer was suckered into think Rex Ryan was the greatest thing to hit Buffalo since that time the sun came out on a Tuesday (41 years ago.) Feelin' frisky: Take Jacksonville and 6 and in a straight upset.
Cowboys at Giants: Interesting thought by the Dallas Morning News' Rick Gosselin: The Cowboys should target former Texas high school star Matthew Stafford as Tony Romo's replacement. Jerry Jones was scouting pass rushers at San Quentin and couldn't be reached for comment. New York covers 3½.
Saints at Colts: Chuck Pagano can't figure out what went wrong. The fake perfect worked great on Madden. Indy covers 4.
Pagano's plan went as well as Woody Allen's ("Take The Money and Run")
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Lilly's Pick (Falcons at Tennessee): Magic Mutt has dropped two straight to drop to 4-3 and is suddenly humbled. She has stopped asking for French cheese for her picks. This seek, we slapped some good 'ol orange American on pictures of a titan and a falcon. It seems the retrievers always go for the birds. Lilly darted right -- to the falcon. Falcons win.
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"In a bet, there is a fool and a thief." -- Proverb
Last week: 9-5 straight up, 6-7-1 against the line.
Bottom line: 61-30 straight up; 45-44-2 against the line.
Sack Schultz update: Last week's local and national winner was Gig Wilkowski of Hiawassee, who went 15-0 and is on PEDs. The overall contest leader to this point is "Hammer63" of Alabama with 83 wins.. To enter for weekly prizes, go to AJC.com/go/sackschultz2015 .
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