Tips for raising strong daughters
- Speak respectfully to your daughters. Girls respond to the tone of their fathers' voices. If a father yells, criticizes or demeans his daughter, then she feels that she isn't worth much.
- Give her physical affection. Studies show the best way to boost a girl's self esteem is for her to receive physical affection from her dad. A father's touch holds a lot of power.
- Dads set a template for how their daughters will relate to male figures for the rest of their lives. If she can trust dad, she will have a better relationship with her brother, teacher, coach, boyfriend and husband. If she has a painful relationship with her dad, she will struggle with all male relationships.
Source: Dr. Meg Meeker, author of “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”
When it comes to raising children, fathers often get a bad rap.
The word “absent” comes to mind.
Despite the negative media attention they often get, dads play an important role in the lives of their children, daughters especially, said Meg Meeker, pediatrician and author of “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters.”
“My father had a profound effect on my sense of self-worth and self-confidence,” Meeker said. “And I saw my own husband have this effect on our three daughters as well.”
Those two men were the inspiration behind her book, which asserts that no matter how many mistakes fathers make, their daughters need them more than they will ever know.
“In my experience, most fathers pull away from their daughters during the teen years because they believe that their daughters neither need them nor want them,” she said. “This is not true. Daughters need their father’s attention, affection and protection more during the teen years than at any other time in their lives.
‘The problem for dads is that teens can get pretty snarly. Dads should never take teen girls personally. When daughters rebuff their dads, fathers need to see this behavior as a sign of the girls’ insecurities not as a sign of something wrong with the dads.”
In fact, Meeker said, making their teen daughters angry at times is a sign dads are doing their job. If they’re too lax with rules, daughters feel insecure and may act out.
“A father will only know that he’s done a good job when his daughter has grown into her 20s and she wants his company, his advice and to spend time with him,” Meeker said.
In anticipation of Father’s Day, five local women shared their views about their dads.
Kathy Hogan Trocheck
Kathy Hogan Trocheck, 59, (aka Mary Kay Andrews) is a New York Times best-selling author, whose new book is called "Save the Date." A former reporter for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, she and her high-school sweetheart have two grown children. Trocheck was one of five children born to Sue and John Patrick Hogan, a retired salesman who died in 2005.
Describe your father in one word.
Gregarious. He loved to laugh. The world tickled him. He never met a stranger and he loved life.
What’s the best piece of advice your father gave you?
Do your best or don’t bother. I think he taught all five us that we had a responsibility to show up and to give everything we had to whatever task we were attempting.
How has your father influenced your parenting style?
He taught all of us that family matters. I had the kind of dad who I remember as a toddler dancing on his shoe tops. He was the kind of dad that took all five us to the beach on Sunday when my mother was working. We’d climb atop his shoulders and jump into the water.
Which TV dad is your father most like and why?
I need a funny dad. He wasn’t Ward Cleaver. He wasn’t Andy Griffin — although he could’ve been except he was Chicago and didn’t play guitar.
If you could say one last thing to your father, what would it be?
I guess I would want to tell him it all worked out. I’ve been happily married for 37 years, we raised our kids with no arrests and no fatalities and we’ve got two grand kids which I’d loved for him to have seen.
Do you recall the moment you knew your father was proud of you?
The first time I made the New York Times bestseller list, I called my parents to tell them and my dad answered the phone. I said, “Daddy, I’m a New York Times bestseller,” and he burst into tears.
How did that make you feel?
Amazing. Of course it wasn’t hard to make him cry. He was Irish. He cried at International Coffee commercials. He’d cry in church if they sang “Ave Maria,” and I do, too.
Pearl Cleage
Pearl Cleage, 65, is an author and playwright who recently published a memoir called "Things I Should Have Told My Daughter." She has one daughter, Deignan Tucker, and four grandchildren. Cleage's father, Albert B. Cleage Jr., was a minister and founder of The Shrines of the Black Madonna, a national network of churches. He was a leader in the African-American freedom struggle and author of two books. He died in 2000 at age 88.
Describe your father in one word.
The one word I would use for my father was determined. He spent his whole life fighting for freedom for black people.
What was the best piece of advice your father gave you?
I don’t remember him giving me advice. The example of his life of courage and commitment made me understand how important it was to have principles and to live by them.
How has your father influenced your parenting style?
His parenting style was to tell you the truth and to answer every question honestly. He had very high expectations for us and I always wanted to live up to those expectations.
Which TV dad is your father most like and why?
He was nothing like any TV dad! He was more like Don Coleone in “The Godfather.” He was a leader and people depended on his wisdom and his courage.
Do you recall the moment you knew your father was proud of you?
When my dad saw my play “Flyin’ West” at the Alliance Theatre in 1992 he looked at me afterward and said, “You’re really good at this.” I’ve never been prouder in my life.
If you could say one last thing to your father, what would it be?
If I could say one thing to my father it would be thank you for showing me how to live life fearlessly. And I love you.
Susan Booth
Susan Booth, 50, is artistic director at the Alliance Theatre. She and her husband, Max Leventhal, have a 10-year-old daughter named Mo. Booth's father, G. Scott Booth, an attorney and banker, died in 2010 at age 81.
Describe your father in one word.
Just. My dad had no patience with people who traffic in the gray areas. He firmly believed that there was right and wrong, and one should know which was which and always speak the unvarnished truth about that.
What was the best piece of advice your father gave you?
Measure your accomplishments and sense your value against where you started – not against some imaginary standard of where you should be.
How has your father influenced your parenting style?
You can be utterly direct and utterly loving at the same time. My kid knows that I think she hung the moon; she also knows I have enormous expectations of her.
Which TV dad is your father most like and why?
Have to go with a movie dad. My father was my Atticus Finch. Always will be.
What’s the most important lesson you learned from your father?
You can choose to be honest or you can choose to be liked. And if you have to choose between those two – go with honest.
Emily Saliers
Singer-songrwriter Emily Saliers, 50, is one half of the musical duo the Indigo Girls. She and her wife, Tristin Chipman, have an 18-month-old daughter named Cleo. Saliers' father, Don E. Saliers, is a former professor of theology at Emory University. Although he still teaches, Saliers, 76, "officially" retired in 2007.
Describe your father in one word.
Magnificent. That is the first word that comes to mind because he possesses a keen intellect, is a gifted musician, has a bright and kind spirit with a good sense of humor, and is a deeply compassionate person and a kind and loving dad. I really can’t say enough about him. I adore him.
What’s the best piece of advice your father gave you?
“Always take time to look at the sky.” He embodies gratitude, and I believe I inherited an easy way of gratitude from him.
How has your father influenced your parenting style?
My dad always took time to explore issues with us kids. I would like Cleo to feel free to explore issues and speak her mind. My dad also instilled a great love of music in me. I would like Cleo to have the same.
Do you recall the moment you knew your father was proud of you?
He tells me he is proud of my work with Indigo Girls, and that feels good to hear. But having him love me is more important to me than having him be proud of me.
Michelle Nunn
The co-founder of Hands on Atlanta, Michelle Nunn, 47, is running for a seat in the U.S. Senate. She and her husband, Ron, have two children, Elizabeth and Vinson. Nunn's father, Sam Nunn, served in the U.S. Senate for 24 years and is now CEO of the Nuclear Threat Initiative, a nonprofit organization dedicated to reducing the risk of nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons.
Describe your father in one word.
Integrity. He has an enormous personal integrity and a commitment to living that out through a life of public service.
What was the best piece of advice your father gave you?
My dad’s overriding advice has always been to do my best and try my hardest.
How has your father influenced your parenting style?
He has taught me to be disciplined and to support my children in realizing their very best in themselves no matter what they choose to do.
Do you recall the moment you knew your father was proud of you?
In my work helping found Hands on Atlanta, an organization dedicated to volunteer service, I saw my father’s great pride and sense of personal gratification at my chosen career. There were times where he didn’t know if our aspirations were possible. But we were able to demonstrate that they were and they continue to be a success. Each time he would beam with happiness and delight at the power of youthful idealism to prevail and our ability to make a difference.
Questions and answers have been edited for space and clarity.
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