Review: 'RED'

Frank Moses (a winking, wincing and mugging Willis) might be a retired CIA operative, but he's one of those old-school cats who can't escape his routine, still waking up seconds before his alarm rings. The only pleasure he seems to find involves his routine calls to the sweet, spy novel-obsessed Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker), a pensions services representative whom Moses constantly manufactures reasons to ring on the phone.

But Frank and Sarah's uneventful lives of long-distance flirtation are interrupted when a mysterious team of killers raids Frank's house in a failed assassination attempt. Afraid those who would do him harm are going to kill Sarah, Frank heroically flees to Kansas City, Mo., to save his damsel in bewilderment. He might not be on the payroll anymore, but he is, nevertheless, Retired and Extremely Dangerous (Red).

The tiny bit of charm and sexy excitement engendered by the would-be romance between Willis and Parker is exhausted almost immediately, however, as the adorable Parker goes from sexual interest to tag-along in one swift cut. The snatch-and-grab leads to a road trip down to New Orleans, as Frank attempts to explain to Sarah and the audience what just happened. It all feels like a harried segue into the real purpose of the film - getting the gang back together.

In this case, the old gang is a crew of CIA operatives spread out across the country. Frank and Sarah bounce from state to state, as they are hunted by the stoic and menacing CIA Agent Cooper (Karl Urban), who is out to liquidate Frank because … well, we're not really sure why.

Frank's first stop is at the nursing home to pick up Joe (Freeman), who spends his days undressing nurses with his eyes. Then it's over to the swamplands of Florida to dig up weapons expert Marvin, a wily, LSD-addled Malkovich.

There is undeniable pleasure in watching the charming Freeman play a lecherous old dog who still has a little bite left behind his lusty growl, and Malkovich was born to play a paranoid CIA operative who has spent too much time staring at goats. But their sputtering jokes are obvious, and their characters' traits feel terribly trite despite the actors' best efforts.

A few more stops result in acquiring the services of Russian spy Ivan (Cox) and the sharp-shooting and still-sultry-after-all-these-years Victoria (Mirren). Yes, Mirren with an automatic weapon. The trailers were true! (Yawn.)

With the team in place, the plot thickens. More accurately, the plot blends, swirls and coagulates into a ridiculous mess as it introduces absurd new story lines (Richard Dreyfuss as a Cheney-esque evil mastermind … something about Guatemala) and rushes to a big reveal that holds no reward.

The group of veteran actors has a winning chemistry, but they seem to bond despite the material, not because of it. The paint-by-numbers dialogue and endless clichés render the movie not clever enough to be consistently funny and not taut enough to be thrilling.

It almost feels as if someone in the cast asked his famous friends to help put on his child's high school play, so far is the talent above the material. If the gang's gonna get back together, it needs a better reason than "Red."

'RED'

Our grade: C

Genres: Comedy, Adventure, Action

Running Time: 110 min

MPAA rating: PG-13

Release Date: Oct 15, 2010