Audrey Middleton admits playing a less than idyllic "Big Brother' game

But she was the first transgender contestant on the enduring CBS summer series which keeps people in a house with dozens of cameras trained on them 24/7. They are forced to eliminate someone each week until a single winner takes home $500,000 more than three months later.

"It was a really unique experience although I didn't play the best game," Middleton said last week in a phone interview less than 24 hours after being booted from the house in a near unanimous vote. She was the fourth one out of 16 cut.

"I still got to prove myself that I could come out of my shell," she said. "I came out on national television. I got to exemplify the willingness to show this kind of courage."

The 25-year-old digital media consultant grew up as Adam Middleton but in recent years calls herself Audrey. CBS filmed her family watching the show and giving her unalloyed support. When told that, she said, "I'm so glad people got to see them. They're amazing!"

She said on the show she didn't even like using the word "transgender" to describe herself. She preferred simply "female."

She told the houseguests about being transgender on the first day in the house last month.

"I really wanted to get it off my chest," Middleton said. "We're playing a game that is extremely manipulative and deceitful. I didn't want negative connotations with my character in the game, using transgender in a weird or negative way. It's really important to try to exemplify something positive for a suppressed minority."

To her surprise, she didn't sense anybody was using her transgender status against her. And during the edited shows, which air three times a week, CBS didn't reveal any negative comments from the houseguests  about her gender even behind her back.

Middleton realized her departure was not personal. She said she simply didn't engender enough trust among the other 15 players. An early alliance fell apart. She blatantly lied at least twice and was called out.

The second person eliminated Da'Vonne Rogers believed the houseguests were avoiding voting against her because of her transgender status. But that theory clearly did not hold water.

"I don't think that went through anybody's mind," she said. "I never felt an ounce of prejudice."

Credit: Rodney Ho

Credit: Rodney Ho

Middleton said she liked most of the people in the house and thinks she could be friends with many of them after the competition is over Fellow Atlantan and interior designer Shelli Poole was her closest ally.

Credit: Rodney Ho

Credit: Rodney Ho

After Middleton alienated the house with some early missteps, "Shelli was the only one to show me kindness and really stood up for me when I was being an outcast. I felt the most loyalty to her."

But Poole, in a power position last week, felt no choice but to place Middleton up for eviction given Middleton's poor decision making and inability to create fresh alliances.

Middleton said she tried to plant doubts within her alliance but instead broke her trust with Shelli. "I wanted her to trust me," Middleton said. "I felt a debt to her. She really put her neck out for me on a personal level."

Near the end of her time in the house, Middleton felt so bereft, she skipped the "Power of Veto" announcement, where she knew she'd be set up to go home.

She said the only place she could truly be alone was the diary room where people do "confessionals" for the cameras. Two people are not supposed to be in there at one time.

"It was overwhelming," she said. "It's hard to find privacy in that house. You're in an environment where you're put under psychological discomfort... I'm very introverted. It was hard to come out."

Last week, she spent hours wrapped in a blanket wearing sunglasses talking to nobody hiding in the diary room.

"Some people deal with stress with flying colors," Middleton said. "I did not. It was very hard for me to deal with the death of myself in the competition. I couldn't process. I couldn't move."

"Emotionally, I don't think she can handle this game any further," said houseguest James Huling, who grew up in South Carolina on the show. He felt so bad for her, he made her an omelette.

Credit: Rodney Ho

Credit: Rodney Ho

With her self-sequestering, some folks in the house speculated that she had quit. But there was no way to leave via the diary room. She said she didn't have any desire to leave voluntarily.

During her farewell defense speech before she was voted out by nearly everyone, she said she was grateful everyone was so accepting of her but she wasn't happy about getting voted out. "From a game perspective, this is a move you’ve wanted for a few weeks now," she said. "Merry f***ing Christmas!”

In retrospect, Middleton said she clearly made mistakes providing false information and feeding gossip to the wrong people. She said she could have laid back and stayed under the radar as some players tend to do early on.

"But I've been a radical my whole life," she said. "It's hard for me to allow my fate to be controlled by anyone else. It's like a defense mechanism. I've been fighting for this independence, to be the person I am today. So it's hard for me to let someone speak to me a certain way and not defend myself. I got caught up in some arguments when I should have just blown sunshine back."

Does Middleton have anyone she'd like to see win? "I'm bitter," she said. "I'm not rooting for anybody." She paused. "If I have to pick someone, I'd pick Jason (Roy) because he's a super fan. I'm one, too. So I'd love to see another super fan win."

ON TV

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