What is and is not child abuse

My mother was a child abuser. I was, too. In fact, growing up, pretty much every parent I knew abused their kids.

Or so many of Adrian Peterson’s critics would have you believe. Peterson, a star of the Minnesota Vikings, was arrested recently for child abuse after hitting his 4-year-old son with a switch. A “switch,” for those who don’t know, is a long twig.

Admittedly, a few of the “child abusers” I knew were bad and neglectful parents back in that era before “parent” was a verb, but most were caring and attentive people who scraped and sacrificed so their kids might have better than they themselves ever did. My own mother — you may take my word for this — was the best mother in the history of mothering. And, yes, a spanker of behinds when the owners of said behinds got too outrageously out of line.

I don’t write any of this in defense of Peterson, by the way; I have no idea of the severity of the punishment he gave his child. No, I’m just here to express the sense of dislocation, of sheer, unadulterated “Huh?!?” that comes with hearing that the best mother in the history of mothering was a child abuser. But Peterson’s critics have been very clear.

“Spanking isn’t parenting; it’s child abuse,” goes a headline on CNN’s website.

Sorry, but that’s going to be a hard sell for me. But then, the idealized model of modern mothering now resembles less her example than it does that of a woman I once saw pleading years ago with a child to behave. The boy of about four was frolicking barefoot through the ice cream cooler in the supermarket.

Never raising her voice, his mom reasoned with him. He giggled.

She threatened him with a “time out.” He didn’t even look her way.

He was still tip-toeing through the Ben & Jerry’s and she was still begging him not to, as I left the store. I find myself wondering: If she couldn’t stop a 4-year-old from strolling through the ice cream cooler, what in the world did she do when that same child was 13 and ditching school, 14 and using drugs?

I don’t believe in spanking reflexively. Not every offense merits it. Indeed, most don’t.

I don’t believe in spanking to excess. The idea is to sting, not hurt.

I don’t believe in spanking in anger. Anger leads to loss of control.