Cornell rape investigation lesson: Teaching children about character matters

We spend an extraordinary amount of time and money preparing our children for life. We worry about their grades, friend groups, athletic abilities, college preparedness and their future careers.

We hire tutors, suffer through travel sports leagues, and arrange our lives around getting them into the right college. But how much effort do we put into teaching them to be good human beings?

It seems that we confused accomplishment with character. They aren’t the same thing. Intelligence isn’t character. Education isn’t character. Achievement isn’t character. Character is courage, integrity, compassion, responsibility, and wisdom. Things in short supply today.

Which brings me to a disturbing story involving Cornell University. A young woman at Cornell alleges that seven young men sexually assaulted her after she had become severely intoxicated. There are drugs like ketamine, apparently, and lots of alcohol. There are text messages and Snapchat conversations documenting the scene.

There are university investigations, lawyers, lawsuits and a reopened criminal investigation headed by the New York Attorney General, Letitia James. Politicians are taking sides, pointing fingers at each other for creating the environment for such debauchery.

The young men in this story don’t fit in neat boxes

Some will say that the young woman admitted in her lawsuit to consuming “about 10 standard drinks” before she arrived. At least two of the men claimed she consented have to sex with them.

I don’t know what really happened. And, frankly, given the amount of drugs and alcohol allegedly involved, I’m not sure any of the participants can accurately recall the circumstances.

I’m not interested in adjudicating the case, here. I wasn’t there.

I’m interested in a simpler question. Where was the one good man? The Good Samaritan who looked at this young woman and saw her as a human being.

When we hear about these kinds of situations, we often generalize the type of people we think might engage in this kind of behavior. Surely, they were thugs or rich, privileged white boys from Connecticut boarding schools, right?

We want some kind of clue that makes us feel better about why it happened. But the young men in this story don’t fit neatly into one of those boxes. They are racially diverse. What they had in common was that they had somehow clawed their way to the top. Into an incredibly competitive Ivy League school.

Some will say that the young woman admitted in her lawsuit to consuming “about 10 standard drinks” before she arrived. At least two of the men claimed she consented have to sex with them.

I don’t know what really happened. And, frankly, given the amount of drugs and alcohol allegedly involved, I’m not sure any of the participants can accurately recall the circumstances.

I’m not interested in adjudicating the case, here. I wasn’t there.

I’m interested in a simpler question. Where was the one good man? The Good Samaritan who looked at this young woman and saw her as a human being.

When we hear about these kinds of situations, we often generalize the type of people we think might engage in this kind of behavior. Surely, they were thugs or rich, privileged white boys from Connecticut boarding schools, right?

We want some kind of clue that makes us feel better about why it happened. But the young men in this story don’t fit neatly into one of those boxes. They are racially diverse. What they had in common was that they had somehow clawed their way to the top. Into an incredibly competitive Ivy League school.

Cornell isn’t exactly taking everyone who wanders through the admissions office. For the Class of 2029, Cornell received 75,519 applications with an admission rate of 8.38%. These are — or were — the future leaders of America, the future titans of industry.

Somebody raised these kids. They got them into the right preschool, took them to soccer practice, piano lessons and travel baseball games. Somebody made sure they had lunch money, did their homework and made good grades.

Somebody kept them out of trouble, and somebody helped them navigate the choppy waters of middle and high school. They accumulated Advanced Placement credits, academic awards and accolades that their parents bragged about at work. So, help me understand how young men can reach the pinnacle of academic performance. They were, ostensibly, among the finest students our country had to offer.

Basic decency is part of being a human being

Young people who were smart, worked hard, and earned their way into the Ivy League. That’s part of what makes this story so disturbing. We spend an enormous amount of time identifying the brightest young people in America. We test them, rank them, reward them and celebrate them. We put enormous stock in their potential. But potential for what, exactly?

These boys and girls grew up with free high-definition pornography. Stuff that previous generations couldn’t fathom. Some are quick to dismiss that pornography as harmless. But what does pornography teach 13-year-old children about intimacy? What does it teach boys and girls about the normality of group sex? And snorting ketamine, a Schedule III narcotic? A drug that is powerful is it used for anesthesia during surgery

When did college kids start recreationally snorting prescription narcotics at parties? Mercy. Setting porn, drugs and group sex aside, there’s something every boy should be taught. Something simple. When someone is vulnerable, you protect them, especially if it’s a woman. Basic decency is basic because, well, it’s part of being human.

Maybe we should spend less time preparing our children for the Ivy League and more time preparing them to be good human beings. Preparing them for the final exam: the opportunity to be the one good man who steps up when nobody is watching … or maybe when everybody is watching.