Tell the food cops to stay home

I’m convinced that it is just a matter of time until Thanksgiving is banned. If not the holiday itself, I foresee the food we traditionally associate with that grand event being denied us.

I predict the day will come when we will see a Surgeon General’s warning on giblet gravy and pumpkin pie.

The dedication of scientific researchers, along with advancements in the medical arts, has greatly increased our life spans. Unfortunately, the health nannies are working overtime to see that all pleasure is removed from our added days, especially where something good to eat is concerned.

In times past, my mother, who scuffled all day in the cotton mill, nevertheless cooked a great supper. The best of these heavenly meals consisted of fried oil sausages, homemade hot buttered biscuits made with lard, ribbon cane syrup, grits, red-eye gravy and eggs scrambled in hoop cheese, wedges of hoop cheese. Excuse me while I enjoy this gustatory flashback. Mmmm, boy!

Today’s doctors would probably refuse to treat a patient who ate like this. If someone’s blood test showed traces of lard, gravy and hoop cheese, the proper authorities would no doubt be notified; and that disgusting person placed in dietary rehab; so they could be confined in a strait-jacket when they went into cholesterol withdrawal.

In the past few years there have been dire warnings and a steady campaign to deny us any morsel of food that might actually taste good — candy, cakes, barbecue, fried chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries and most drastic of all — sausage and pork chops.

(I recently attended a birthday party where the brainwashed hostess offered me a diabetic cupcake. After taking one bite, I asked her if it would be all right if I just ate one of the birthday balloons and a colored napkin; or some of the candles.)

A while back I happened to see an Auburn professor promoting his cookbook featuring recipes for kudzu. You read that right — kudzu. It is obvious what they’re up to with this stuff; they don’t want us to eat decent food anymore — they want us to start grazing like the sheep we are.

Many health fanatics are upset because Alabama is tied at second place with Tennessee for having the fattest folks in the United States; second behind the perpetual winner, Mississippi, the Magnolia State.

(There is no truth to the ugly rumor that Mississippi is changing its name to the Magnolia with a Side of Fries and Ice Cream State.)

Believe it or not, there was actually a time when it was fashionable and medically approved to be fat. I have in my possession an old ad for a once popular patent medicine, Grove’s Chill Tonic, which promised “to make children and adults as fat as pigs.”

Being fat was a deep yearning many had in those more sane times. In that vanished golden age, people were so desirous of getting fat, Mr. Grove made a fortune off wannabe tubbies. Fat was where it was at.