How to clean oil from a walrus

No matter how inept the nation’s top oil company executives were in their testimony on Capitol Hill last week, you have to hand it to them — they really know how to score out-of-this-world deals on cell phones.

For years, BP and its conglomerate colleagues have been listing marine biologist Peter Lutz as a consultant in their disaster response plans. As recently as last year, they dutifully included the fellow’s phone number, on the oh-so-remote chance they might spill something and need his help.

But, as The Associated Press recently reported, Lutz died in early 2005 — which either means the oil companies share a cell phone provider whose “can you hear me now?” tests include a Ouija board or, gee, Big Oil doesn’t think disaster plans are all that big a deal.

Rex Tillerson, ExxonMobil chairman and president, gamely tried to explain to members of Congress that there was nothing amiss, really. “The fact that Dr. Lutz died in 2005 does not mean his work and the importance of his work died with him,” he said.

Certainly not. But the fact that Dr. Lutz’s current location and phone number were a tad outdated — as were the locations and numbers for living consultants listed in the plans — does sorta indicate the companies didn’t put much thought into handling a disaster.

Rep. Ed Markey pointed out that the five disaster plans for the Gulf of Mexico from the five oil companies were virtually identical — same covers, same basic info, same dead or less-permanently relocated consultants, same loving concern for the safety of walruses in the Gulf.

“As I am sure you know,” the congressman said, “there aren’t any walruses in the Gulf of Mexico, and there have not been for 3 million years.”

Pffft. Details. Tillerson gamely tried to explain that the plan was more or less a generic roundup of species that could be affected, in the oh-so-remote chance a spill ever occurred.

But Markey pressed on, noting that the plan was supposed to be for the Gulf. One by one, he extracted a confession from the CEOs that a disaster plan that is 3 million years out of date is an “embarrassment” or at least “inappropriate.”

Despite protests from BP’s competitors that they never would have screwed up as badly as BP and certainly would have done a better job responding, most of their congressional inquisitors were skeptical.

As Markey put it, “the only technology you seem to be relying upon is a Xerox machine to put together your response plans.”

There were, reliably, members of Congress who grew weary of all this woo-hooing over Wally Walrus and the fact that some experts might be a little slow getting to the phone.

“This [hearing] reminds me of a radio call-in talk show after the Redskins have blown another one,” announced Rep. Joe Barton, a Republican from Texas. “It’s very easy to second-guess and point out the problems.”

A football game. And — according to the latest of the latest revised estimates — up to 2.52 million gallons of oil a day gushing into the Gulf.

Yeah, I think we can all see the similarities. Thanks for the clarification, congressman.

Later, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele — whose frequent-flier prowess is as formidable as Big Oil’s cellular know-how — warned that (deep breath) “exploiting the tragedy in the Gulf to try to ram through a devastating job-killing national energy tax is more of the same Chicago-style politics that has the president’s approval ratings plummeting to an all-time low.”

There’s an oh-so-remote chance Steele might be right. Instead of developing — finally — an energy plan that doesn’t rely so heavily on oil drilling and oil imports, perhaps all we really need to do is touch up everyone’s disaster plan.