This weekend, I will drop off my only child at Howard University in Washington D.C. A year ago, I was all but certain that she would enroll at my alma mater, the University of Georgia, this fall 2016. But I’ve had since May 1 to come to grips with her school home being more than 500 miles northeast of Athens.
Like many imminent empty-nesters, I have fretted over her new chapter as well as my own. At this very moment, I’m avoiding all thoughts of her not being in the house starting this week. Instead, I’m focusing on decorating her dorm room and buying essentials like laptops, high-tech calculators and furry rugs.
Most would call my current state denial. I guess I would, too, if I slowed down long enough to really think about it.
But I do think about the exciting new world that awaits my recently-turned 18-year-old, and how different my experience was a few decades ago.
When my mom helped me unpack at UGA’s Creswell Hall (cough) years ago, the only gadgets I had were a push-button telephone, a clock radio and a 13-inch black and white TV. No iPad, no Mac Book Pro, no iPhone. No Netflix. No flat screen TV. I certainly didn’t have hundreds of friends I could connect with instantly via Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram or Facebook. I couldn’t Facetime with my mom and dad. I voice-called sparingly because of long-distance charges.
Despite what my daughter believes, there were indeed computers when I was in college. They just weren’t common place for common people. And well, the World Wide Web was in its infancy. And I’d never heard of the internet. But whatever… There were still computers, even if I didn’t own one — or personally know anyone who did.
I know the things that my mom fretted about when she drove away are much different than some of the things that have caused me bouts of panic and anxiety in the past year, just thinking about this big moment. My parents mostly encouraged me to get good grades, to not be preoccupied with boys and partying and to be safe in general.
As evidenced daily in the stories in this newspaper, TV, radio, online and on social media, the list of issues to talk with my young adult about is a mile long.
Before Gov. Nathan Deal vetoed the campus carry bill approved by Georgia legislators, I worried about the impact that it might have on students and faculty, not just from a safety perspective but culturally as well. I had finished college by the time of mass shootings in Columbine, Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook, not to mention ones just in the past year. Most of us remember being able to walk directly up to the gate at airports even if you didn’t have a plane ticket. That was before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. My daughter has no recollection of such carefree moments at the airport.
As a young adult, I don’t recall either of my parents talking with me about how to conduct myself during a traffic stop or encounter with police – other than to make sure I had my driver’s license and insurance card ready. Unfortunately, the news events and tragedies over the last few years, and more recently, this summer in Texas, Louisiana and Minnesota have renewed tension between black citizens and police.
As much as I would like not to, it’s a conversation I’ve had to have with my daughter so that not only will she position herself to stay out of harm’s way, but that she is respectful of the people whose job it is to protect her safety and uphold the law.
When my daughter and I attended her freshman orientation a month ago, there was an entire session devoted to laws, policies and procedures regarding Title IX, a 1972 federal law that prohibits sex discrimination but has broaden over the years to include complaints of sexual assaults.
Since the school had separate sessions for parents and students, we had follow up conversations to make sure we heard and understood the same things. And of course, I had my own words of advice about protecting herself with friends and at parties, including never taking her eye off any drink of any kind.
Despite all the worries I have about additional things like balancing school work with newfound independence, making good friends and being a good roomate, I’m beside myself with excitement about the life that awaits her. What an awesome experience to go to college in the heart of the nation’s government, not to mention being minutes away from cultural landmarks such as the Lincoln Memorial, the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial and the White House.
Speaking of the nation’s government, it’s an election year. Like many students in the high school class of 2016, my kid will be able to vote in a pretty important presidential election the year she turns 18. I, too, turned 18 the year of a presidential election – though it was nowhere near as interesting as the one before us. It’s been refreshing to see young people, including my own, engaged in political discussions and anxious to make a difference.
As I’ve been planning and helping my daughter pack to move into her dorm room, I’ve thought a lot about a story staff writer Helena Oliviero wrote a couple of years ago about letting go and transitioning to life as an empty-nester.
Helena interviewed Emory University psychology professor Marshall Duke, who for more than 30 years had counseled parents during college drop-off with a memorable speech filled with great advice on coping with the mix of emotions.
I can no longer deny that I’m nervous about being an empty-nester. So I’m ending this column with some of the tips Professor Duke gave Helena two years ago for her story. (Confession: I’m re-running these tips selfishly for myself.)
Tips from Marshall Duke:
* Prepare meaningful parting words for your child (“I love you,” “I’m proud of you, ” “I’ll always be there for you”) or write a handwritten letter to express your feelings. If you are too emotional to say what you want to say in the moment, once you are at your hotel or back home and have a quiet moment, sit down and write a letter about this big moment. Send the letter in the mail. Your child will treasure it.
* Don’t change your child’s room for at least the first year at school —- they may need a safe haven.
* Don’t expect daily contact or initiate it.
* If you want to go to family weekend at the college, don’t ask your child if he or she wants you to go. They will say no — but in reality, they will really appreciate you being there.
* Don’t expect the same grades your child had in high school — college doesn’t produce nearly as many A’s as some parents and students are accustomed to.
* When a problem arises, move like your feet are stuck in molasses — give your child a chance to solve the problem independently.
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