Can we create a common narrative that we can all get behind? Maybe, but we certainly can’t as long as we see each other as enemies whose views are despicable, ignorant, or otherwise worthy of scorn. But if we start actually talking to each other about our personal experiences of learning and relating to history, perhaps something new can emerge. Maybe we can craft a collective narrative where the people who led the nation’s expansion were both freedom fighters of considerable bravery as well as folks who were at times oppressive and sometimes involved in genocide.
Shifting from debate to dialogue
If Americans are going to try to work together on the specific problems of popularizing a new national narrative or address our polarization more broadly, we are going to need more people shifting their conversational style away from the debate mode and toward one that is based more on dialogue. This change will involve people making at least three major changes.
First, we need to shift our intention. In our extremely polarized time, we too frequently go into such conversations with goals that don’t help us bridge our divides. Specifically, we too frequently focus on demonstrating - to ourselves, the other person, and anyone who might be listening - that we are correct and the other person is wrong. It is as though our goal is to find the answer to the question: What can I say that proves my debate opponent’s position is weaker than mine? Instead, we should be animated by a different question, such as: What can I say so that my dialogue partner and I might discover an authentic connection?
Share personal experiences
Second, we need to focus less on stating our beliefs and supporting facts and more on revealing the personal experiences that undergird our beliefs. Conversations focused on sharing experiences that led us to our beliefs touch our hearts, not just our heads, and help create more empathy between people.
Finally, we all need to try to spend more time in these conversations truly listening and less time talking. Too often, our focus when we are not talking is actually focused on preparing our next remark, instead of trying to see the issue from the standpoint of the other person. Our conversations will go very differently if our focus is on trying to imagine ourselves having the experiences they have had. The combination of their storytelling about experiences (my previous point) and our focus on listening will significantly reduce the sense of deep estrangement that we often feel when talking to people whose beliefs about the world vary greatly from our own.
This election has showed us that if we are scared of the other side’s potential to damage to our democracy, then something on the order of 150 million of us will fight through a pandemic, comically long lines, and voter suppression efforts to vote. Now that the most divisive election is 170 years is finally over, the work of saving our democracy takes a new form.
Let’s hope we can replace the fear and loathing in our hearts from each other with the curiosity and compassion that are the heart of dialogue. The continued functioning of our democracy may depend on it.
David Campt, Ph.D., is the principal of The Dialogue Co., based in Eden, N.C. He works with organizations on matters of inclusion and equity, stakeholder engagement, conflict resolution and dialogue.