If only this story had started out something like, “So a drunk underage frat boy walks into a bar in Juneau,” everything would’ve been fine. Because as we now know, you can’t just walk into a bar in Juneau like you can in Valdosta and Remerton, the apparent Sodom and Gomorrah of south Georgia.

This actually happened the other day (which makes it so much easier than if I had to make it up again). A large black bear walked into a hotel bar in Juneau, Alaska, presumably because he needed to kill time between sales calls. The bartender, Ariel Svetlik-McCarthy, didn’t take it well. She freaked. She yelled. She actually screamed: “No bear! Get out! No! You can't be in here!”

PETA approved of this approach to bear-shooing and immediately sent the woman a bag of faux bear jerky, made of vegetable proteins and discarded Falcons’ offensive linemen.

Wait. Here comes the surprising part: The bear left!

Imagine how different life in the SEC would be if Ariel Svetlik-McCarthy tended bar in Remerton? Or Zack Mettenberger stumbled into a bar in Juneau? Instead, Mettenberger and his PBR-pickled cranium walked into “Flip-Flops” three years ago and became involved in what can best be described as stupid public felonious groping, which, as it turns out, is not even legal in south Georgia, not even by scholarship athletes with bitchin’ cars on spring break.

So Mettenberger got kicked out of UGA. He cleansed his soul at a Kansas community college. Then he transferred to LSU, where, as well all know, Les Miles’ only requirement is that you can play and haven’t broken probation. Often.  Or at least in the past week. Depending on your 40 time.

This week, Zach Mettenberger comes back to Athens. He’s 22 so if he stays after the game he won’t need the two fake IDs any more.

He has some really nice stats (10 touchdowns, 1 interception). But he has played TCU, UAB, Kent State and Auburn. This one will be tougher. A little bit because of the opponent. A lot because of the surroundings, and maybe what's in his head.

Aaron Murray has no such baggage. For two otherwise equal teams, that's the difference.

Tigers -- shoo. Bulldogs win and cover 3.

If Zach had only made moose jokes

Actual bear video

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*** Thursday Internet-Only Special ***

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech: The Hokies tonight will unveil their new “stone” design helmet, which looks like a backsplash we were considering for our kitchen. You know, this whole crazy college uniform thing passed stupid about seven blocks ago. Besides, if I’m Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer, I’m more concerned about my football team needing triple overtime to beat Marshall last week. Jackets cover 7.

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School Daze

Old Ms. at Alabama: Nick Saban suggested his team is still struggling in leadership areas, adding, “You know. Sheep need to have a dog get ’em home to the barn at night.” I know. It was just an analogy. But get the feeling Saban won’t be speaking at the next college football players union formation meeting? Bammy covers 16.

Georgia State: Off. This would be a good week for athletic director Cheryl Levick to print out walking directions to the Georgia Dome for students.

FSU at Boston College: The good thing about starting the season against Villanova and Wake Forest is new B.C. coach Steve Addazio was able to match last year’s win total right out of the box. Seminoles cover 21½.

Florida at Kentucky: Gators quarterback Jeff Driskel has a broken leg and replacement Tyler Murphy almost was moved to wide receiver. But it's Kentucky week and Florida has won this game 26 straight years. Actually, 27: Gators win (but take Kentucky and 13).

South Carolina at Central Florida: UCF coach George O’Leary: "No question kids are softer than in the past. I think it comes from too much parental babying.” Maybe he's right. But wouldn’t you think a guy who involved in a wrongful death suit at UCF (Ereck Plancher) and a borderline abuse case at Georgia Tech (Dustin Vaitekunas) would think to put a muzzle on it? GrumpyStiltskin. Gamecocks cover 7.

Statler, Waldorf and O’Leary

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Pros and Cons

Patriots at Falcons: The Falcons are tired of all of their big secrets getting out in the media so they’ve closed practice.  Hey, if they keep losing, they can go ahead and close their games, too. Patriots win (and take the 1½.)

Falcons didn’t want you to see this rehearsal

Eagles at Broncos: Peyton Manning now has 12 touchdown passes and zero interceptions, which projects to 64 touchdowns and zero interceptions for the season (that would be good) but it makes me look like an geranium for thinking his career was toast (that would be bad). Hey Chip Kelly: Watch the old school offense. Denver covers 10½.

Walking Dead at Chiefs: The Giants have lost allowed a league-worst 115 points in three games and lost last week to Carolina 38-0, give or take a major organ. “They don’t like each other,” said former great Carl Banks. OK. So we at least we know they’re watching. Chiefs win but take New York and 4½.

Dolphins at Saints: I know Miami is making progress because I Googled “Philbin” and Joe came up before Regis, which is still not to say anybody could pick him out of a lineup. Saints cover 6½.

Cardinals at Bucs: Mike Glennon earned a masters degree at N.C. State with an emphasis on leadership and sports management, so if he faceplants at quarterback he can always replace Greg Schiano as coach. Cards win and cover 2½.

Redskins at Raiders: So I guess former Redskins cornerback Fred Smoot doesn’t like Mike Shanahan. Quoting: “Right now I think the Red Lobster is working his way out of here.” There’s only one step down on this mocking ladder: Captain D’s. Skins win on road, cover 3.

Speaking of Red Lobster..

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But who’s counting?

“Chance only favors the prepared mind.” – Louis Pasteur

Last week: 9-3 straight up, 6-6 against the line.

Bottom dollars: 35-10 straight up, 22-22-1 against the line.

Lilly The Greek's Pick of the Week: Pictures of an ex-Dog (Mettenberger) and a current one (Murray) were hung with great care. Being a dog, Lilly sniffed both. Then, she ate the cheese on the right -- Murray.

Sack Schultz update: Keith Queen of Smyrna went 15-0 last week. Through four weeks, we have five contestants tied at 52 wins. I’m five wins back at 47. Join the fun at AJC.com/go/sackschultz2013 .