BCS, Auburn brass not OK to drive

It was 75 years ago today when the U.S. ratified the 21st Amendment, repealing Prohibition. It was made largely because it turned out closing down distilleries neither reduced crime, nor stopped drinking, nor cured “the social ills of husbands,” as hoped for by the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, as well as organizations that never got invited to parties.

It’s further believed Prohibition actually drove men crazy, including Roy Kramer, who was said to be 67, deranged and very thirsty when he first thought of the BCS in the early 1900s.

Alcohol-related dementia also could explain why invertebrate officials at Auburn would fire coach Tommy Tuberville, and then claim they were “shocked” when the coach resigned. (Shocked! Thank you, Captain Renault.) Last I checked, coaches don’t resign when a school president and athletics director ask them to stay. And they certainly don’t give a “resigned” coach $5.1 million to rent a U-haul.

Congratulations, Auburn. You have succeeded in making Alabama look like the state’s rational thinkers.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Drinking! Plan on it.

No matter how Saturday’s games turn out, the bowl season again will cry for a swan dive into the bathtub gin. The BCS and its mutant predecessors, the Bowl Coalition and Bowl Alliance, have been here since 1992.

This makes 17 seasons. That’s longer than prohibition.

Fortunately, we still have Alabama vs. Florida for the SEC title. The winner probably goes on to the BCS title game, although I assume nothing before the third martini.

‘Bama is ranked No. 1 by the BCS. Florida is ranked No. 4 and is a 9 1/2-point favorite. Perfect!

Since losing to Mississippi by one point, Florida has scored 38, 51, 63, 49, 42, 56, 70 and 45 points, winning eight straight by an average of 39.6 points. This would be like betting against the Death Star when it pointed that big laser thingy at Alderaan, a tiny peaceful planet that meant no harm.

‘Bama means harm. It just won’t matter. And Georgia fans: I suggest you drink heavily. Gators cover.

Value Menu

(Add fries and an Auburn knee-jerk for 99 cents)

ACC/Is-Anybody-Home Bowl? Jacksonville is feeling a lot better about things. Imagine if the ACC had finally got a title game anybody cared about the year the game moved to civilization (or at least Tampa)? Boston College vs. Virginia Tech: The first 10,000 fans get in half-price. The next 10,000 fans will be in your imagination. Eagles win a pick ‘em.

Big 12: Texas’ reward for finishing 11-1, losing one game by six points and beating Oklahoma and Missouri by a combined 35 points is not making it to the conference title game, which of course matches Oklahoma and Missouri. You know, if the Big 12 can tweak its tiebreaker system just a little bit, it might get Iowa State and Baylor next year. Sooners cover the 16 1/2.

NFL Six-Pack

(Drank one)

Bumetanide Bowl: New Orleans is missing three players who were suspended for taking a banned diuretic. The Falcons’ Grady Jackson also was suspended. But he’ll play, pending appeal, after a simple defense: He walked into Roger Goodell’s office with his favorite babes, Dolly Madison and Laura Scudders, and declared: “Dude, do I look like I use diuretics?” Birds are getting 3 Twinkies. Take ‘em. But they’ll win this straight up.

Cowboys at Steelers: Consecutive wins over the fading Redskins, and two Pacific floaters, Seattle and San Francisco, have Dallas fans thinking their team is good again. By the time this is over, they’ll be back to blaming Jessica Simpson for their softie at quarterback. Steelers cover 3.

Eagles at Giants: Philly’s dead in the NFL, but one more tie and they’ll pass the Sabres in the NHL’s Northeast. Giants cover 7 if they don’t shoot themselves. (I know. Cheap and easy. But that’s just me.)

Vikings at 0-12: Wouldn’t it have seemed a lot more fair if the Lions had made Matt Millen play in one of these games before firing him? Or at least a public stoning. Men of Thor cover. (Line on hold pending more appeals of StarCaps junkies.)

Bucs at Panthers: Georgia fans: Want to know what Monte Kiffin has planned for your quarterback next year? Watch what happens to Jake Delhomme. Take the 3 —- and Tampa in a mild upset.

Financial ledger

(On a roll lately, particularly with Tech pick last week. Several of you are in arrears with my 10 percent fee/5 percent for W.P. Goldcard members. Please settle all accounts before Matthew Stafford finishes packing.)

Last week: 9-2 straight up; 7-4 against the line.

Season to date: 97-44 straight up; 72-67-2 against the line.

jschultz@ajc.com