Love in the time of the recession

Last Christmas, after returning home from a turkey-and-all-the-trimmings holiday meal with his family, Mark Cheek sat down, took a deep breath and joined an online dating site for the first time.

Out of work and getting nowhere with his job search, the 46-year-old Cheek decided to shift his attention to something he wanted perhaps even more than a job —- love.

So he diligently listed his “must haves” in a relationship (sense of humor, tolerance of differing views). He revealed the four things his friends say about him (energetic, easygoing, outgoing and funny). And he nervously noted that he was unemployed, a predicament he knew could keep Cupid’s arrow at bay.

As it turned out, within 48 hours, eHarmony matched him up with Deborah Chandler, an attorney living just 20 miles from his Sugar Hill home. But he would have to woo her on the cheap.

“I had to tell her, right from the beginning, ‘I can’t take you out to fancy dinners,’” said Cheek, who was laid off as an information technology manager after 11 years with a financial services company.

Love in the time of the recession.

Living off of his severance package, Cheek tapped into his creative side —- taking his new girlfriend on motorcycle rides around Lake Lanier and making her grilled chicken dinners.

After a couple dates, Chandler gladly shared the expenses of going out.

“I knew it was the economy,” said Chandler. “And I knew it was the job cycle. I was glad we could be there for each other for support.”

The longing for a romantic partner doesn’t deflate during a downturn in the economy. In fact, all indications suggest singles are wading into online dating pools in record numbers, as stressed out singles seek out companionship for comfort. But during these days of downsizing, many singles have no choice but to move their date from the It-restaurant to a picnic at the park.

A recent Match.com survey of 2,700 members found 71 percent of the singles said they would still date someone who just lost their job. But 84 percent of single members in the survey also said they are being more selective about their first dates in this down economy.

D. Charles Williams, a psychologist in Dunwoody, said he sees singles getting very creative —- even cutting coupons —- for dates. Some singles, he said are also reevaluating their priorities during this bleak economy and suddenly the job may not be No. 1 anymore. Others agree.

“For some who are worried about their job and anxiety fills the air, they ask themselves if it’s worth the effort if my job doesn’t love me back,” said Patty Binns Farinola of Atlanta-based PF Coaching. “And they realize there is more to life than work.”

For Farinola, business is way up. In recent months, she’s doubled the number of “Solo to Soulmate” workshops for single women to keep up with demand. (The workshops meet weekly for four weeks and cost $195). The virtual dating world is also seeing a big uptick. Last year, Match.com had its strongest fourth-quarter membership jump in seven years. (Match.com saw a similar surge after 9/11). Gian Gonzaga, a research scientist with eHarmony, which also has seen a swelling in membership, went one step further in quantifying the link between a down-spiraling economy and the desire to be with someone. Last fall, every time the Dow plummeted 100 or more points, traffic on the site rose by about 2 percent.

“It kind of makes sense,” said Gonzaga. “When people get really stressed, they seek out relationships. It’s a good source of stress relief —- the companionship, the emotional support.”

Not everybody’s looking

But not all singles are scrambling to find a snuggle buddy, fling or soulmate. Some out-of-work singles are embarrassed by a job loss and aren’t in the mood to schmooze.

“When you’ve been laid off, it affects your confidence and you’re not feeling so upscale anymore. It’s hard when things are not going so well. You don’t want to talk about it,” said Arlene Ingram, owner of Atlanta’s Upscale Singles, who’s watched attendance at some of her recent mixers drop by as much as half .

Ingram said she’s unrolled a series of budget-friendly outdoor events to encourage members to keep coming. At a recent picnic dinner in Marietta during a free outdoor concert, she brought a lavish dinner —- complete with arugula salad, artichoke pasta, mini cheesecakes and goblets filled with chilled chardonnay. She served the feast on China plates. It cost $20 a person. Five singles showed up.

On a recent evening at French American Brasserie in Atlanta, five members of the Atlanta’s Upscale Singles gathered for a candlelight dinner.

“You can’t help but constantly think about finances these days,” said John Bredford, a 40-something-year-old teacher who lives in Canton.

Sitting at the same table was 40-year-old Tracey Lusco of Dunwoody. Lusco, who is dating but decided to go to the dinner to meet up with friends in the group, said the recession has changed the way she and her boyfriend spend time. Lusco said her boyfriend lost his restaurant business and is now getting by with a job as an accountant.

“We used to go out for wine dinners that cost $100 a piece,” she said. “And now we try to find free concerts and little wine tastings you can do around town for as little as $5. … But this is the way it is. My boyfriend has to really budget and he’s asking himself, ‘Do I have enough money for food for the week?’ ” she said.

Lusco can sympathize. After moving to Atlanta three years ago, she was laid off and unemployed for a year. “At first, it can be really tough, but after a while, you adjust and realize you don’t really need to spend so much money going out and having a good time.”

Dating on a shoestring

Cheek and Chandler’s first date took place at a Longhorn Steakhouse. The date lasted four hours.

After their second date to see Cirque du Soleil (she got the tickets), the couple (who are both divorced and have grown children) spend virtually every free moment with each other. They avidly ride motorcycles together, and enjoy grilling out and playing cribbage, a card game. She loves his sense of humor and was impressed by his calm demeanor while coping with the stress of a job search. He adores her blue eyes and loves her independence.

They believe dating on a shoestring budget helped them to really get to know each other.

“She made what was a tough and stressful time a lot easier,” he said. “She was something positive to focus on.”

They got engaged in February.

And then, less than one month later, Cheek got a job as a technical project manager with Cox Communications (which has the same parent company as The Atlanta Journal-Constitution).

Cheek recently wrote a letter to Equifax, his former employer. It was a Thank You letter of sorts.

“None of these wonderful things would have happened if not for the fateful decision [to let me go],” the letter said. “Isn’t it strange how life plays out?”

Then, he ordered a new license tag for his motorcycle that says, “Thanqu.”

“I am thankful I got laid off. I thank eHarmony for connecting me to Deborah, and I thank Deborah every day for loving me and allowing me to love her,” he said.

Cover story | Searching for soulmates

Romance on a budget

Along with a romantic picnic in the park or eating dinner alfresco on your deck, check out these free/ cheap dates:

Buckhead First Thursdays Art Walk, a new series continuing monthly through October 8. Participating galleries include Alan Avery Art Company, Atlanta Art Gallery, and Tew Galleries. 6-9 p.m. Free. www.atlart.com.

Movies Under the Stars at Mall of Georgia. 6:30 p.m. every Saturday night until August 22. Free. Regal Mall of Georgia 20 & IMAX, 3333 Buford Dr. Suite 3000, Buford. 678-482-8788

Screen on the Green returns to Centennial Olympic Park for another year of free movies. Picnics are encouraged, but pets, grills, umbrellas and high-back chairs are not allowed. Thursdays at 7 p.m. Films begin at sunset. (June 18: “Home Alone”; June 25: “Ghostbusters.”) 265 Centennial Olympic Park Drive N.W., Atlanta. 404-222-7275, www.centennialpark.com.

Decatur Beach Party. 5 p.m. Friday, $10 at the gate, $6.50 in advance at www.decaturdba.com, children uner 12 free. Old Courthouse Square, 101 East Court Square, Decatur. 404-371-8386. www.decaturga.com

Jazz Friday at dk Gallery. Free music and themed art shows the third Friday of every month (year around). This Friday will showcase oil paintings featuring various landscapes. July 17 will highlight American pop culture art. Aug. 21 will be devoted to mixed media, and the Sept. 18 event will be a glass show. 6 p.m. Free. dk Gallery, 25 West Park Square, Marietta. 770-427-5377. www.dkgallery.us

Summerfest on the Green. Activities for children, a climbing wall, hot air balloon rides and fireworks. 6 p.m. June 27. Free. Morrow Festival Park, 5917 Reynolds Rd., Morrow. 770-968-1623.

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No need to drop out of the dating scene if you lose your job. Yes, you can pretty much count on being asked, “So, what do you do?” but being between jobs doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. Here are some tips from Craig Malkin, a psychologist and director of the Massachusetts-based YM Psychotherapy & Consultation.

It’s best to start out being honest and open. If you convey a realistically positive attitude, and directly answer questions, you’ve got your best shot at making a good connection.

Plan ahead of time what you want to say about your job situation rather than waiting for the inevitable question. Put the emphasis on your interests and plan for developing them.

If you do this and your dates are still turned off by the simple fact you’re unemployed, it’s good that you weeded them out with your honesty. Their knee-jerk reaction might be a sign of a judgmental nature —- not the best trait in a partner.

Remember, if you are feeling leveled by the blow of unemployment, you might want to build up your confidence and seek support from friends before getting back to dating. Otherwise, potential partners aren’t seeing the real you; they’re seeing the depressed you.

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