THE VENT

Here’s a time-saver: The next time you get ice cubes out of the freezer, just throw the first one on the floor.

Advice to Jim Cramer and Barack Obama: Never talk to a comedian.

I got really mad when the Chinese chased one of our ships. Then I realized they own most of it!

Yes, there is a bigger egomaniac than Dr. Phil. It’s Oprah Winfrey.

When will these rich old men realize that a woman 30 years younger is not attracted to them? Date them, guys, but never marry one!

No matter who you are or what you’ve accomplished in life, someone at some time has “bailed” you out.

I read that Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, has a surprisingly high crime rate. I felt good about that because I’m sure I’ll never go there.

Why is it that all those round-table discussions are held at a rectangular table?

Don’t classroom teachers realize that the principal was once a teacher, too?

Am I the only one who’s bugged by law firms’ fishing expeditions in the guise of commercials?

Three words you don’t hear much anymore —- “No Credit Check.”

Did they ever catch those pirates at sea? Is it true that’s where Johnny Depp was last seen?

I am so happy they reinstated Zoo Atlanta’s panda cam. That means my friend … [name deleted] will go back to working only 60 percent of the day on the computer at her desk.

My best investment —- with a guaranteed return —- is giving 10 percent of my income to my church ministry.

Those of you who despise the wealthy would sell your souls to have wealth of your own … just as long as it doesn’t cut into your leisure time.

I find increasingly that I am communicating with my wife in our house through my computer and her BlackBerry. This isn’t good.

Marriage: Where one person is always right and the other is a husband.

The gecko stays! The duck is OK. The horses are good. But the cavemen go!

I don’t like the toilet paper commercials that get so graphic, even if they use cartoon characters.

Now that smokers are paying through the nose, why not increase the taxes on alcohol? Higher alcohol taxes could possibly cut down on DUIs and deadly accidents.

The only good thing to come out of the recession is that it brought a halt to the rampant overdevelopment in Gwinnett County.

Don’t spread my wealth. Spread my work ethic.

The U.N. thinks we are “deadbeats.” Let’s send them packing and use the space for parking.

I appreciate that smoke alarms chirp to alert me when their batteries are dying, but why is it always at 2 a.m.?

If Gwinnett Braves fans want a beer with their hot dog, they should go to the games Monday through Saturday. Right, Sonny?

With all the spare time Madoff will have now, maybe he can star as George Washington in a movie.

I have always helped those in need. I just have a problem helping those in “want.”

Obama’s energy czar, Carol Browner, wants the government to control the thermostats in our homes to make sure we’re not using too much energy. Obviously she hasn’t gone through menopause!

Cheney is criticizing Obama and Bush? The man has a bad case of sour grapes.

Separated at birth —- Michael Jackson and Octomom. (And what a birth it was! —- The Vent Guy)