Falcons will win in a red state

Before unveiling this week’s absolute financial locks, 100 percent satisfaction guaranteed if my name isn’t DeAngelo Hall, wait, what happened to my other $62 million? Hello, Canton, are you on the line, hello …?

Where was I? Oh, yes. Before this week’s forecast, Weekend Predictions Significantly Below $250,000 Annum, Inc., wishes to congratulate Barack Obama on being elected president of at least 49 of the 50 United States. We can’t be certain about Georgia. The vote-counters in Fulton County keep running out of fingers and toes and like, there was a Kohl’s one-day sale Tuesday and, you know, there’s lunch breaks and stuff, and, really, since the Florida game, I mean, is it going to make a difference in the BCS? Stop rushing us!

About the election: Nobody summed things up better than CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, who said Obama “has inherited the inbox from hell.” This should not be confused with the box-head analysis of Terrell Owens, who actually said: “There was a change, and hopefully that can trickle on down to our season.”

Because, really, when the NFL makes the turn for the back eight, isn’t that more important than collapsing banks, government bailouts and the future of the free world?

The Falcons are 5-3. One more win and I swear I stop drinking.

They play New Orleans, which has won all four meetings since Sean Payton took over. The Saints have one of the league’s best offenses with QB Drew Brees, but they’re actually kind of a mess. Reggie Bush is out. Deuce McAllister is a walking HMO disaster. Four players reportedly have failed drug tests and may be suspended. They’re on their third kicker and third punter. The defense? Feh.

The line says Falcons by 1.

By the time all the precincts are in, it’ll be more than that. Falcons cover.

B(ulldog-free).C.S.

> Trembling Chihuahuas at Kentucky: You can sum up this stage of Georgia’s season in one word: Raycom. With those pesky prime-time and national TV games out of the way, the Doggies will schlep to Lexington, toting what’s left of their self-esteem and a bag of Tony Robbins tapes. The Cats are not very good. But 10 1/2? Too rich. Dogs win but don’t cover.

> Tech at North Carolina: It turns out that the Jackets are still a roller coaster —- just a far more interesting one. They held on to beat Florida State a week after bobbling a home game to Virginia. That kept Orange Bowl hopes alive, which basically means they’re closer to a BCS bowl than Georgia. That should go over well in Athens. Tech’s beat up, but —- why not? Take the 4 and Jackets in a straight upset.

> Saban at LSU: They’re still upset that Nick Saban could leave such a garden spot as Baton Rouge for the NFL. So I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise: Alabama’s Luther Davis claims Les Miles called Saban “the devil” while he was being recruited. A ‘Bama spokesman said Saban was busy filing souls and could not be reached for comment. Tide win, but take LSU and 3.

> Wyoming at Tennessee: What’s worse than being 1-5 in the SEC? The Volunteers just got turned down by the Duke coach. Gladys, are we out of arsenic? Vols cover 26 1/2.

> Clemson at FSU: The Seminoles are coming off a last-second loss to Tech, and Bobby Bowden is playing the school that fired his son. You don’t suppose Tommy is helping break down film in Tallahassee this week, do you? ‘Noles cover 5 1/2.

NFL Snack Pack

> Giants at Eagles: New York is better on offense, better on defense and 10-1 against the spread in its past 11 road games. Facts cloud the decision-making process, don’t you think? Eagles cover the 3.

> Titans at Bears: I’ll see your bet against Tennessee moving to 9-0 and raise you a Rex Grossman. Titans cover 3.

> Niners at Cardinals: If Mike Singletary is going to get caught with his pants down, shouldn’t he be playing in the 49ers’ secondary? Arizona wins, but take SanFran and 9 1/2.

> Panthers at Raiders: In hopes of improving ticket sales, the halftime show will feature Al Davis doubling his dose of Thorazine and analyzing a list of free agents. Carolina covers 9 on the road.

Accounts payable

> Last week: (Despite slight miscalculation in Jax.) 5-4 straight up, 4-5 against the line.

> Totals: 64-34 straight up, 46-50-2 against the line.

jschultz@ajc.com