Caring for aging parents tough, rewarding

The moment Holly and Rick Benson pull into their driveway, they hurry inside to check on their parents.

Rick Benson’s 86-year-old father, Jim Benson, is asleep. But when they discover Holly Benson’s father collapsed on the bathroom floor, they are reminded why their life with two older dependents makes even a quick dinner out nearly impossible.

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Photos by JESSICA McGOWAN / jmcgowan@ajc.com

As Rick Benson (left) prepares his plate for dinner, Holly Benson gets sweet tea for her father, Tom Frame, at their Fayetteville home. Both Rick’s and Holly’s fathers live at the Benson home.

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Holly Benson (left) watches as her father, Tom Frame, feeds a treat to the Bensons’ dog, Hershey, in the family’s Fayetteville home. Holly’s dad lives in the basement in-law suite which the couple had finished when they moved into the house in 1999.

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Tom Frame, 84, and partially paralyzed, had slipped and fallen while they were dining nearby and had called 911 for help. He bruised his arm and was startled, but he was otherwise all right.

“I felt terrible when I saw him — like we should have never left the house,” Holly Benson said.

For the Bensons, both in their 50s and nearing retirement, taking care of their aging parents means an unrelenting crush of responsibility and source of constant concern — from making sure their fathers bathe and take medications on time to keeping them from getting behind the wheel of a car. It’s a job that keeps them on edge virtually all the time.

It’s a life many baby boom-age adults know well: Four out of 10 are helping care for an aging relative these days, and many are feeling the effects as their role in the family dynamic shifts to parenting their parents. The economic impact of the recession only complicates matters for those already worried about their own distressed nest eggs.

A survey by Caring.com, an online resource for adult children caring for their parents, found 80 percent of about 300 baby boomers say taking care of aging parents puts stress on their marriage.

“In our case, my husband was the president of a company and I was an executive, and I would have to leave my job sometimes to get adult diapers. … You feel resentful — and then you feel guilty about being resentful,” said 49-year-old Cheryl Richards-Mann of Atlanta.

“I remember telling a co-worker I had to take my mother-in-law to a doctor’s appointment. And she looked at me and said, ‘Again?!’ “

Richards-Mann and her husband, Lewis, eventually sought therapy to help learn coping strategies. Then three years ago, shortly after Lewis Mann’s father died, they opened up their own in-home care company, Atlanta Home Care Partners.

“The countless calls in the middle of the night, riding to the hospital in the back of the ambulance … it can take a toll on a relationship,” she said. “But if you have a strong foundation in your marriage, love wins and you go on with your life. Unfortunately, there is no cure for aging. Our parents die.”

Experts: Seek support

Many care-givers, juggling jobs and other responsibilities, agonize over not having enough time to meet the needs of their elderly parents. Experts urge them to reach out for help and tap into local resources for assistance. Churches, senior centers and nonprofit agencies can help with everything from free transportation to providing a few hours of companionship.

Emory Healthcare’s Wesley Woods Center, which houses independent senior living and a nursing home, started a family support group to give care-givers a forum to talk.

“A lot come stressed and tearful,” said Ed Lawrence, director of the Transitions Seniors program at Wesley Woods. “They look at their parents and they are scared. … They want to talk, share ideas and thoughts. They want to vent. … You hear them say, ‘I want my old mom or dad back.’ “

Joan Kaplan, a 47-year-old Atlanta Realtor, struggles with balancing the needs of her 84-year-old mom and her 7-year-old daughter.

“I often feel pulled between being a good parent to my 7-year-old daughter and a good child to our parents,” said Kaplan, whose husband flies to Chicago every other week to visit his mother. “Even something as small as deciding where to go out to dinner. The one my daughter really likes is not going to be the same as my mom’s first choice.”

Kaplan recently established scheduled days to see her mom, who lives about a mile away but doesn’t drive. This way, her mom knows when to expect her.

“We still struggle with who’s in charge,” she said. “She wants to be my mother, and I want to still be her daughter. … But my mom needs my help.”

‘Our turn to take care of them’

Back in Fayetteville, the Bensons gather in Frame’s cozy in-law suite, surrounded by windows and brimming with family photographs.

They joke about putting their dog, Hershey, on a diet. “You just keep giving him too many treats, Dad,” Holly Benson said.

“Oh, Hershey is such a sweet dog,” her dad says.

Despite the hardships of caring for two older relatives, the Bensons say they wouldn’t have it any other way. And they get help from family and friends: Today, Rick’s dad is visiting with family in Virginia. And many people gladly pitched in to help when the Bensons recently managed to go on a weeklong cruise around Italy.

They are unsure about when they might be able to take their next adventure, but they believe it’s here where they really belong.

“I kind of look at it like payback,” Rick Benson said. “We do it out of love. We do it out of duty. They took care of us and brought us up. Now it’s our turn to take care of them.”

BOOMERS AND SENIORS

Statistics shaping a new family dynamic:

1 in 8: Number of baby boomers in the “sandwich” generation — adults taking care of their parents while also caring for their own children.

1.45 million: Number of baby boomers (ages 43-64) in the 28-county metro Atlanta area

425,000: Number of people 65 and older in the 28-county metro Atlanta area.

A surprising stat: For the first time in history, American couples, on average, have more parents than children. The average woman today can expect to spend more time caring for a parent than for a child — 18 years for an aging relative compared to 17 years for her children.

STRATEGIES/RESOURCES

In dealing with care for an aging parent:

Don’t procrastinate: Start talking now, before you need to make tough decisions. Ask your parents: Where will you want to live? Who will manage the finances? You might also discuss preferences related to dying, such as burial or cremation, and distribution of their assets. Start by talking more broadly, such as balancing the quality of life vs. the quantity of life.

Get help: Many churches, synagogues and senior centers offer free transportation services and help with meals. Nonprofit One Good Deed, for example, has volunteers who help Atlanta-area seniors with everything from small chores to an afternoon of companionship.

Ask for help but be specific: Telling siblings you need their help isn’t enough. If you need someone to take Dad to the doctor next Tuesday, ask for that help specifically.

Take care of yourself: Be sure to take time out for yourself to do things you like — shopping, going to a yoga class or going to a movie.

Turn it off: Spend an evening with your spouse and agree not to talk about care-giving issues for an evening.

To find more helpful information, try these organizations:

Atlanta Regional Commission’s aging resources

The Family Caregiver: A clearinghouse for family care givers, listing hundreds of resources.

Caring.com: An online resource for adult children caring for their parents.

Source: Brian Carpenter of Washington University, the Pew Research Center, CIGNA, Caring.com