Sandy Springs: Hope that heist was worth the bologna

By Jim Osterman

To the Gentleman Who Robbed the Wachovia Bank in Sandy Springs:

First, I use the word “gentleman” only because my editor doesn’t allow the adjective [expletive deleted] to run in the paper. A good thing, since my mom follows this column faithfully.

No matter — we didn’t get a chance to speak formally, but I was the guy to your right earlier this month at the bank. I was getting change for a yard sale — I’m not sure why you were doing what you were doing.

A friend and former New York City policeman said [expletives deleted] like you rob banks for many reasons. Some need the money to support a drug habit. Others just need the money. Some don’t care about the money but get some kind of rush.

I’m not sure what your reason is and I really don’t care. I do care about the teller you scared the living daylights out of — not to mention the other employees, as well as the customers. And I have a much higher regard for the work of the police officers that have to deal with [expletives deleted] like you on a daily basis.

In any case, being detained inside a bank after a robbery was quite a bonding experience. We all had two things in common. We were concerned for the teller involved. And we were all so happy to give the police detailed recollections of what we saw.

You may also want to know that the images banks now get on their security cameras are so much sharper than the grainy old ones they used to show on the evening news. I hope those were factors in you being caught by the FBI a few days later. A criminal mastermind you are not.

From what I understand you will be staying in a gated community that is federally funded, but I don’t think it’s part of the Obama bailout plan. In fact I hear that, while your new home has a strict dress code, bologna sandwiches are a staple of the menu.

The good news is there are probably other [expletives deleted] bank robbers lodged there, so you guys can talk shop. And perhaps swap ideas on accessorizing orange jumpsuits.

Maybe you robbed banks because you needed the money, or maybe you fancied yourself as some sort of roguish anti-hero, striking a blow for the little man. Maybe you looked at your collection of cheap wigs, ball caps, stolen license plates, and thought you were something like George Clooney in “Ocean’s Eleven.”

But you’re just another [expletive deleted] thief with a Federal Bureau of Prisons I.D. number. I know times are hard for all of us but when I start to get a little down, I recall what someone once told me — that other people have had it so much worse and managed to build amazing lives. And if those of us in the bank that day are not leading lives that can be called amazing, neither are we dressing for dinner in a prison jumpsuit. Also, keep an eye on your bologna sandwich. Thieves are everywhere.

Jim Osterman lives in Sandy Springs.